As many of you know, I enjoy reading (when it's not forced down my gullet and regurgitated by mandate into essay form). I was excited when Murfreesboro got a Barnes and Noble because it finally gave us a reliable outlet of literature and it gave me an outlet for approximately $100 in gift cards.
Also, a brief side note before I go on, I have not abandoned Da Vinny Code. However, it is long and complex and tricky for me as I have never read The Da Vinci Code (which, in retrospect, I ought to have bought tonight... or borrowed from my dad... or borrowed it from my local library). But since I decided to write shorter posts more frequently, I figured you would be able to make do.
Now, as everyone who ever heard of me knows, I'm a smart ass. Always have been, always will be. I'm all for punchy, succinct remarks (which further enhances the irony of my long winded blogs). However, there is a standard for smart assery and I will not tolerate sub-standard sarcasm. What do you get when you take the "smart" out of "smart ass"?
Precisely. You get a sociopath.
Now, you, the confused reader, are wondering what in blazes this had to do with anything. So far I've been all over the place with no real unifying theme or purpose.
Well let me tie everything into a nice little bow of hatred.
They had a section of employee recommended books and on the top shelf was seated America the Book by Jon Stewart back when Jon Stewart was funny. What drew my ire was the card the employee filled out to tell the consumer why they ought to buy the book. This card read:
"This is the funniest book written about American Goverment since The Wealth of Nations."
The joke being that a serious essay is actually quite silly. Now why did this attempt at humor draw my ire so much that I bothered to remember it verbatim?
It violates the tenets of The Smart Ass Creed.
The tenets of this secret society of smart asses are as follows:
- Everything is mockable, nothing is perfect.
- Never mock anything lower than yourself.
- Always be right
Easily, the most important tenet is the last one as that is the underlying strength of all things smart ass. The comment card was troubling on three accounts:
- First, The Wealth of Nations pre-dates any sort of organized American government as it was published a solid four months before the Declaration of Independence was signed. I suppose Adam Smith could have the type of clairvoyant space mind powers to write a ringing endorsement of a government that would not take any organized form for another 11 years. Perhaps he was a time traveler. However, barring my fantastic explanations, it falls short on that account.
- Second, The Wealth of Nations has nothing to do with any government working. It is an economic essay which founded capitalism. So the comparison isn't even apt on the most basic level.
- Third, it uses standard Family Guy lame jokery wherein you say "this is the best something since some vaguely pertinent pop culture reference". That offense is in violation of all I hold dear.
- Fourth, I think the point the employee was trying to get at is "Capitalism is a joke", but that rings hollow as they work at a Barnes and Noble, which started the Starbucks trend. Between the combined might of frappuccinos and literature, they have crushed thousands of small businesses (which, in retrospect, should not have been built to be so easily crushed). Apparently, for the all the foolishness of the free market, this employee has no qualms cashing a paycheck from the corporate empires.
The point I'm laboriously striding towards is many smart ass wannabes are just sociopaths who have no other way to validate their existence aside from embracing counter-culture for no other reason than to embrace it.
As a genuine smart ass, it saddens me to see the art of sarcasm abused so.
P.S. The other books on the top shelf of the recommended list were The Golden Compass and The God Delusion. So it seems as though the unifying theme amongst Barnes and Noble is "Screw you, popular opinion of local residents who are the lifeblood of our industry and, indeed, the very source of the income I so cherish!"
P.P.S. This post weighs in at over 750 words, which is not terribly more succinct than Da Vinny Code.
P.P.P.S. Also, in less than a month, the English Muffin Power Hour has produced more content in terms of volume of posts and length of material than the One Blog to Rule Them All did in 9 months. And yet, I don't have nearly as many comments.
Originally, I had thought up a fairly detailed outline to give my take on Super Tuesday. It was going to be as long as the Canterbury Tales and with many more rhymes. Unfortunately, I have a large history paper due tomorrow. Normally, I'd blame myself for waiting until the last second to write it. In this case, I blame myself for waiting until yesterday to read the book the paper was about.
So I will be brief.
Democratic Primary- Obama takes the small states. Hillary takes the big states. Hillary nabs a marginal, inconsequential lead. As you can tell, there is very little I find funny about a deadlock. In the extended version of this, I'd probably make a very funny and timely joke.
Republican Primary- These are a bit lengthier so I broke them off into paragraphs.
Mitt Romney proves he has too silly of a first name to succeed outside of states where he was either born, governed, or shared the same religious denomination that the state was founded as a refuge for.
Mike Huckabee proves that it does not Suckabee to be Huckabee (that rhyme was going to show up a lot). He has appeal to every SEC school except Florida. But every SEC fan knows that Florida is a jerk and probably went to McCain to show up the rest of the SEC. Also, Mike Huckabee's ability to lay down a smooth bass line is not to be underestimated. A smooth bass line is critical to such classics like Black Magic Woman, Sweet Child of Mine, and pretty much every song by Iron Maiden.
John McCain proves that the countryside is insane for McCain (this rhyme too). His primary strength was in defeating Rudy Guiliani in the Ring of Fire, thus gaining Rudi's power. This enabled John McCain to go from mere senator to some sort of ancient Greek hero, traveling from port to port taking the Golden Fleece and other valuable artifacts. Also, he gave Huckabee a run for his money in several SEC states by pointing out that bass plays no role in such classics as Kashmir, Free Bird, and anything by the White Stripes.
One closing thought, I think it's great to see America temporarily return to the glory days of the early republic, back before partisan bickering tore us apart. No, in those days, you determined who your friends and foes in Congress were by a complicated algorithm which combined state size, proximity to home state, population, and ability to wear tri-cornered hats well.
EDIT: My short version is, again, over 400 words. Note to self: think less elaborately.
It is with no small degree of irony that I promise you shorter posts only to write 1,000 words after that. I could make such a good politician with rhetoric like that.The Coke Machine in my dorm stole my $1.25. In order to get my money or Coke, I have to fill out paperwork at the Business Office. Heads will roll.
Hello and welcome to the English Muffin Power Hour! I'm Hunter Barry and if you didn't know that, then why are you at my blog?
Now, many people wonder what compels a man to go blogging. Is it lust for gold? Power? Or were they just born with a heart full of web logs? In this case, it was power (although I won't turn down gold). Namely, the power to entertain my friends, enemies, and colleagues back in Virginia while I moved to Tennessee.
Originally, I sent out a series of newsletters (called "The Hunter Newsletter") each the size of short novels to a handful of interested parties. However, this proved to be an inefficient means of communication as my short novels often took a lot of time to write and I never mailed the letter often enough. Then my Latin professor, Magister Virr, suggested I created a blog.
Thus was born The One Blog... TO RULE THEM ALL!
Unfortunately, I missed the part of the letter wherein he suggested I make smaller updates more frequently. So now instead of mailing my short novels, I posted them on a blog infrequently. All in all, my first blog was a veritable Fort Necessity, a horrific failure the likes of which cannot again be replicated. But it was a failure that taught me valuable lessons to be applied later on in life (namely, to update your blog or die).
Rather than rebuild atop the ashes of The One Blog, I've migrated to this new blog, The English Muffin Power Hour. I still can't make a short title for a blog, by the way. In fact, the titles are getting progressively longer (from six syllables to seven and now nine, all of them starting with "The", as I love establishing the dominance of my work).
You can expect the standard claptrap of blog material (what I do, what I think, my uncanny recollection of historic events, etc.) but with a delightful Hunter twist added to it.
In an effort to try and keep the blog updated relatively often, I'm setting up a strict schedule of mandatory update days. On Mondays and Thursdays, you will get fresh content guaranteed. There might be more updates throughout the week but I won't promise it.
Finally, I recognize the irony that I'm already late on my first post. I'm confident that this is not a trend doomed to repeat itself.
