Thursday, July 1, 2010

World Cup Predictions

I can't come up with one topic that I want to drone on and on for 500 words about with frequent digressions like I normally do. So I'll just briefly hit up on a few subjects.

World Cup Soccer

It figures that as soon as I hype soccer, the US team fails miserably. We not only got beaten up by Ghana, but the US team really could make no claim to victory. We gave up early goals, took no good shots for the final hour of the game, and only got out goal because of penalty kick. I'm not giving up on the World Cup, but it's undeniably less interesting without a personal stake in the games. So, in a desperate effort not to get bored by the world's sport, here is my take on the quarterfinal matches with only a vague understanding of soccer players, strategy, and history.

Netherlands vs. Brazil

The Flying Dutchmen vs the Fighting Carnavals. Truly a showdown of epic proportions as both teams have a ton of experience being a part of Western Hemisphere empires with ridiculously tiny (and otherwise irrelevant) European counterparts. The Dutch owned interesting parts of the Northeast and Caribbean (lest we forget New Amsterdam) but then they got bored with being historically relevant and let the English run everything. Fun bonus fact: Brazil "won" its independence when Napoleon took over and the king of Portugal fled to Brazil, which his son ran. Once Napoleon was defeated, the king's son said "Yeah, I'm gonna be a sovereign nation now so you have two weeks to get your stuff out of my country". What's the point of all this? That Brazil does whatever it wants, whenever it wants. It doesn't care what European powers think. You like players with last names? Whateva, Brazil does what it wants. They'll play 11 guys with one name, with at least three Ronaldos.

Advantage: Brazil

Uruguay vs Ghana

In accordance with ancient warrior beliefs, by eating the heart of your enemy, you gain his strength. Ghana ate the heart of the American team last week, but little did they know that the American team's heart was clogging by years of fast food and sodium rich products (like the KFC Double Down with extra french fries). I predict the Ghana team will collapse in the second half due to high cholesterol. Also, I have to give Uruguay credit, when critics said that their team was too Guay to succeed, they responded with "we're not Guay, Uruguay" (I immediately regret that pun).

Advantage: Uruguay

Germany vs Argentina

The Fourth Reich vs the Don't Cry for Me. I'm going to warn you right now, I almost understand relevant context to this game. These two teams met in the last World Cup and Germany won on penalty kicks. In response, the Argentine coach viciously mocked the German accent by pronouncing his w's as v's (and I'm not making that up). Equally relevant is the fact that Argentina has finally overtaken Germany for the global lead in "Number of High Ranking Nazis in Country". But I feel what Germany lacks in aging war criminals, they make up for in ruthless efficiency and reliable luxury automobiles. Plus, Germany was my non-patriotic pick to go all the way (which was only reinforced after the curb stomping of the English). My apologies to those across the pond who had to take such a beat down. If its any consolation, I doubt America would've done better.

Advantage: Germany

Spain vs Paraguay

Every fiber of my being will be rooting against Spain in this game. I still haven't forgiven them for ransoming Ricky Rubio and making the Minnesota Timberwolves the laughing stock of the NBA. That title belongs to the New Jersey Nets! How dare those Spanish fiends deny New Jersey yet another "Most Disgraceful _______ In America" Award. Thankfully, the Nets searched deep within themselves and found an entirely new way to suck that the Spanish had never considered. They began sucking on a metaphysical level. What were we talking about again? The World Cup? Oh right.

The thing is the Spanish team is loaded for bear and with bears. They have every great Spaniard on that team. That includes the Spaniard (Maximus from Gladiator, although he should have been called the Iberian), the Spaniard (Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride) and the Spaniard (The Last Boss from Assassin's Creed 2). Those three alone have collectively kicked ass enough to circumnavigate the globe. Which the Spanish did first, or at least, they funded it since Magellan was technically of Portuguese descent. But there's nothing wrong with signing away promising talent to further your own goals. It is the American way! I mean, it is the Spanish way.

Besides, I challenge you to name one person called "The Paraguayan".

Advantage: Spain

Well, I had other things I wanted to discuss tonight, but I've already eclipsed 800 words. So I'll save the rest for another day.

P.S. I was right about Pete Carroll and impending USC sanctions. All I have to say is "SUCK IT, KIFFIN!".