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| Borderlands 2 forces me to make the hardest choice of my life: big guns, many guns, or guns & also swords. I am paralyzed by indecision. P.S. Is it sexist that the lady has the least number number of guns & swords and thus least appealing to me? P.P.S. Is it a Freudian thing that all the guys in the pictures have swords and guns and the lady has a round glowy ball of death? P.P.P.S OH GOD! WE'RE AT INCEPTION LEVEL OF OVERTHINKING! ONE LEVEL MORE AND WE'RE TRAPPED FOREVER! P.P.P.P.S BWAAAAM! BWAAAAAAAM! BWAAAAAAM!!!! |
So a quick refresher- I always try to write about two honorable mentions and a winner for each week. Pimps of the Week are guys who did surprisingly well (keyword being surprisingly) and Gimps of the Week are the guys who broke your heart with their promises of significant play time and red zone opportunities.
Gimps of the Week for Week 1
Honorable Mentions- Wes Welker has been the best receiver in New England since 2009. He's not spectacular, but he shows up to work every week and brings home 60-100 yards and a touchdown. That's a surefire, no-brainer start every week. But then Bean drafts him and suddenly he only has 3 receptions for 14 yards in a game that the Patriots dominated in all aspects. Then there's Toby Gerhart who had a really promising finish to last year and was primed to be the feature back in Minnesota. After all, Adrian Peterson had an unprecedented surgery nine months prior and would certainly miss significant amounts of time, because he's not some sort of super hero. WRONG! Adrian Peterson is a super hero, specifically Wolverine, because of his healing factor, his raw uncontrollable aggression, and their proximity to the frozen North. AD not only plays in Week 1, but gets so many carries as to make Gerhart completely irrelevant with only 1 point. And I only needed 4 more points from him to win and beat the Pimpmaster! AAARRRGH
The Winner- DeAngelo Williams of More Dr Pepper. I know, I know. Sam won easy this week and so DeAngelo's no show shouldn't matter so much. But let's think about this in context for a moment. DeAngelo Williams once led the NFL in rushing. The only gripe against DeAngelo Williams is that he splits carries with Jonathan Stewart in a seemingly random pattern and that neither's fantasy value can live unless the other one dies. But then, Jonathan Stewart has a hurt foot before the game and will be out. And the Tampa Bay Bucs had the 2nd worst run defense in terms of fantasy last year. So how does he gets 6 carries for -1 yards?! HOW?! It makes no sense! I had more rushing yards than him! Any time I outperform a starting RB with a golden opportunity presented on a silver platter and presumably bronze dining utensils demands the scorn of the Gimp of the Week award.
Pimps of the Week for Week 1
Honorable Mentions- So I'm at 700 words and I'm not even halfway done with the meat of this article. So let's try to knock out these honorable mentions ASAP. In fact I can do this in one fell swoop. In week 1, 6 starters in Iron Dirigible scored over 20 points. 3 played on Team Gray. So mad props to Ray Rice and Julio Jones for proving that the power of alliteration can score 20 and 22 points respectively.
The Winner- So the word around the campfire is that certain incredibly handsome and suave bloggers may have said that Matt Ryan was a terrible pick at #46 and "why would you reach for a guy who has been consitently above average his whole career". Well, I'm very proud to say that apparently Matt Ryan reads this blog! Because he went crazy in week 1 for 31 points. He even got a rushing touchdown!
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| He is the Wil Wheaton to my Sheldon Cooper. |
Honorable Mentions- Let those who doubt the power of the Bean Curse behold Aaron Rodgers. Last year, he never had fewer than 17 fantasy points in games he played and only lost one game. In just two weeks under Bean's influence, he's equaled his total losses from last week and had a fantasy performance 7 points worse than his worst start on Thursday. It's almost like he only had half a week of practice or something. Matt Ryan gets an entirely contextual Gimp of the Week for the way he kneeled to beat the Broncos. His kneels pushed him from 23 rushing yards to 19, which means he loses a point he gained from rushing earlier, which put Team Gray (and yes, Dorian, that is your team's name; this 19th Hole stuff is heretical and I shall not abide it) into a tie with the Maus Munchers, which the Maus Munchers won thanks to their brilliant strategy of spending a high draft pick on a QB. Wait, what? Also, I'm going to give a spot to to Larry Fitzgerald, because how do the Cardinals beat the Patriots with Fitzgerald not contributing anything?! I guess, mathematically speaking, Fitzgerald is more valuable as a distraction than as an actual receiver. This is CrazyTown, population: Larry Fitzgerald. 1 catch for 4 yards?! And its worth mentioning that any points from Fitz also breaks Team Gray's tie and gives Dorian the W. Clearly, the Fantasy Football Gods have punished him for erecting a false idol of a team name and profaning the sacred rites of tradition.
The Winner- The Vandy Pimpmasters. Just all of them. It's not that anyone is outstandingly terrible, but Doug started what many people would consider to be a very talented collection of players. But all of them underachieved in such a harmonious fashion as to produce one of the worst games in Iron Dirigible History. Actually, I consulted the record books and this wasn't even one of the ten worst games in the modern era (by that, I mean "not counting 2007 when no one really knew how the game was played and we all made a ton of stupid moves"). Heck, in Week 7 of last year, Team Gray scored 45 points one week and then 42 points the very next week. So I'm reversing course completely.
The winner is Team Gray for being so terrible last year that he denied me to opportunity to tell Doug he had one of the worst ten games in history. I really wanted to tell Doug off after he squeaked by with a win last week too! Also, I guess Dorian's duo of Larry Fitzgerald and Julio Jones combined for one point and that's pretty awful for a 2nd rounder and a 5th rounder.
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| I found this under "Julio Jones Fail". It makes me happy. |
Pimps of the Week for Week 2
Honorable Mentions- Lesser Mannings throw 3 interceptions in the first quarter and then sulk off to an underwhelming 7 fantasy points. Eli Manning views these interceptions with contempt and swears blood vengeance upon those who wronged him. He proceeds to scorch the Bucs for 510 yards and three touchdowns to bring in an impressive 28 points. Also, a shout out goes to Willis McGahee. I may have referred to you as "6-12 points every week" but then you go out and decide to double my most optimistic outlook and score 24. Sure, both of his touchdowns came in goal line situations, but he still managed 113 yards on 22 carries. Heck, in a normal week outside of CrazyTown, Willis McGahee would be the pimp of the week.
The Winner- But first, a history lesson. In 2009, one of the truly great moments in Bean history occurred. With the 66th overall pick, the Bean Machine wanted to take a flyer on then-unknown DeSean Jackson and makes his pick. Somehow, Bean overlooked the fact that player he had clicked on was, in fact, Reggie Bush. Of course, Reggie Bush continued to underachieve and DeSean Jackson became a mid-level star. So when Bean knowingly selected Reggie Bush again this year, the potential for humor was great. And lo and behold, Reggie Bush led... all fantasy scorers and was...amazing in every way? He had 176 yards on 26 carries even though he's not a volume guy and he only had 3 receptions? I thought he could only catch passes? And Bean, of course... dominated Doug in every conceivable way... winning by 75 points, which was just 2 points less than his entire team scored the week earlier? But none of this makes sense. It's like someone spinned a top and it just kept going and going and going and going...
Oh no. I knew it. This is the fourth level. I've been Incepted!
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| I got to referential in the first series of postscripts. This entire blog has been a dream within a dream within a dream. So it looks like I'm gonna be trapped in Limbo for a while. Better get around to constructing a gigantic city with my eternity to do nothing. I wonder if I can get the game on radio... |
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