Iron Dirigible Week 1: This is all Obamunism's Fault

I had plans, you know. I was going to talk about The Hunger Games and then hype the first week of football after that. But NO! Somebody had to give his acceptance speech on Thursday and the NFL decided it would look really bad for American culture when football absolutely crushed the President of the United States in the ratings department. So now I have to once again eschew talking about the tale of Katniss Everdeen because I am all about punctuality on this blog.

What? If I say it enough times, it has to be true, right?

I am reluctantly ready for some football! A Wednesday Night Happenstance!

Normally, I start by recapping last week's games, talking about the major disappointments and the major surprises (lovingly known as Pimp of the Week & Gimp of the Week). However, the closest thing to a game we've had in the past month was the draft. And the last time I discussed that event, it took over 5,000 words and discredited me with virtually every fine honey within a 20 mile radius. So let's not repeat that. I sorta want to be done writing this post before the NFL season kicks off. Let's dive right into the match-ups!

By the way, fun bit of trivia: George R.R. Martin, author of A Game of Thrones and all its wonderful sequels, is a HUGE New York Giants fan.

Also, if you're so moved by my discussions of Iron Dirigible that you just have to see what all the fuss is about, you can visit the league here.




Week 1 Match-ups

Don't mind me. I'm just sitting here, trying to find myself, I got to rewind myself...

Well, this is awkward. The only way to discuss which team I think has the better lineup set is to inadvertently discuss the draft again. I can't possibly do that in less than 3,000 words. If only there was some type of image which used conventional grading metrics to codify the abstract process of ranking a draft...

Oh right, I also posted a picture of the Draft Grading Machine ESPN has. I suspect it only grades the first 8 rounds and that the letters are completely arbitrary, but hey, let's roll with it. Anything that will keep this short and sweet.

Team Gray vs Team Tune- This is the "No Prior Championships but Surprisingly High Grades in the Draft" Bowl. In the proud tradition of the Philadelphia Eagles and New York Jets, I will now openly speculate on the extreme likeliness of a championship for one of these teams, despite no previous record of post-season success. Will Marhsawn Lynch sober up long enough to lead Tune is a glorious chorus of victory? Will Demarco Murray actually play more than 3/8ths of a season as a starter or will it be Fifty Shades of Loser for Team Gray? I don't know, but I expect I will extrapolate their entire season based off this one game. Champion is coming from the winner of this game*.

*Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Belmont Godfearers vs More Dr Pepper- This is the "Polar Opposites" Bowl. Bean does all the research before the draft, custom ranks his each position, and will engage in several long discussions on the merits of Torrey Smith as a sleeper and then finish with a losing record. Sam will barely acknowledge the draft is a thing, make absolutely no changes to the standard rankings and then make a few random waiver moves and then shatter the scoring record, the wins record, and become the undisputed God-King of fantasy football in 2011. Now, you might think that this rivalry is completely one sided. But historically, you would be absolutely right. Bean is 2-7 against Sam in the regular season. I would give Sam props, but I don't think he'd even notice.

Team McLovin vs West Katzen Maus Munchers- This is the "It Can't Have Been That Bad" Bowl, pitting our two Grade D drafts against each other. Between injuries, suspensions, and holdout-related shenanigans, a grand total of five likely starters are sitting down this week between the two teams (Witten, Britt, Jones-Drew, Peterson & Mathews for those playing along at home). Personally, I love that, by as early as next week, Darren Sproles could go from being the Maus Munchers #1 RB to their Flex play. This is the power of Adrian Peterson. So let the battle of the least bad begin!

Vandy Pimpmasters vs Hunterian Velociraptors- I don't believe the draft grades for a moment on this one. Sure, I may have an A+ to Doug's C, but I'm convinced this is all a clever ruse by Doug to lull me into a false sense of security. Sure, I may have the superior team in every non-WR aspect on paper, but just you wait and see. Calvin Johnson, Brandon Lloyd and Steve Smith will combine for 80 points and Matt Stafford will throw like 4 interceptions to undercut an otherwise great day. We've played ten times in the regular season. I won 3 of the first 4 meetings, then Doug's won 4 of the last 6 meetings to put us deadlocked at 5-5. I need to restore momentum, or if you will, bro-mentum to the start of my fantasy football season. Also, the two of us have won 60% of all the championships in Iron Dirigible history. So this is sorta Lakers vs Celtics, but far, far nerdier.