Tuesday, September 22, 2015

What's Dez May Never Die

Well, when we last left the English Muffin Power Hour, I was brimming with hope at the start of a new Football season. In fact, as late as Sunday night, optimism abounded in Hunteria. In the far less meaningful Beanpocalypse Now league (why yes, I did suggest that name), the potent one-two punch of the Carolina Panthers and actual part man, part panther Rob Gronkowski had the Bean on his heels with no chance of victory despite him scoring extremely well. I even had the bane of my existence, Doug in Week 1 & Week 1 alone, down by a significant margin. I was up by 45 points with my 2nd pick, Dez “Only Viable Option” Bryant to play. Now Doug did have a significant portion of his team left to play (4 players but that included a kicker), but as a rule of thumb you’d almost always rather be the guy winning by 45.

I asked Doug before the game “Was getting your score doubled a part of your plan?” To which he responded “Of course!” Then he added something about “crashing this lead… WITH NO SURVIVORS”.

"Do you feel in control?"

First, Dez Bryant has a really off game. Despite being the man with football magnets for hands, he only puts up four points and limps off the field in the 3rd quarter. Well, that’s certainly not good, but maybe it’s just a sprained ankle. One bad game on a bad ankle isn’t the end of the world, right? NOPE! Broken foot. Surgery required. Screws will be put in foot. Could be out 6 to 18 weeks. So I can’t even grab a replacement for Dez off the waiver wire since he could be back in Week 8 and play a solid half a fantasy season (half a Dez is better than none). Last week, I wrote this of Dez’s role in the Cowboys’ passing attack “who else is Tony Romo going to throw it to? The eminently forgettable Terence Williams? The flash in the pan, Cole Beasley? The Impossibly Ancient Jason Witten? The Actual Zombie, Darren McFadden? So I like Bryant's chances of being the focal point of the offense again.” Sadly, this is a real question the Cowboys are asking themselves this week. At present, the Cowboys’ solution is to have Jason Witten pick up where Ponce de Leon left off and track down the Fountain of Youth.

So the war effort suffered a major setback, but I still should win the battle right?

Well, Doug wouldn’t be much of a fantasy nemesis if he let things like being down 49 points slow him down. Ironically, it wasn’t Adrian “Father of the Year” Peterson who doomed the Velociraptors, but the lethal combination of Carlos Hyde and kicker Matt Bryant. The Falcons employed a controversial offensive strategy called “Field Goals and Field Goals Alone” in the second half of the game against the Eagles, leading to Bryant racking up 17 points (or more than 4 Dez Bryant’s worth). Combined with Jordan Matthews’ 102 yard performance, my lead was now a comparatively slender 22 points. Luckily, it turns out spending a year away from football isn’t super helpful and the Vikings also looked like a high school football team so Peterson wound up with a meagre 5 points.

Sadly, mild-mannered scientist Dr. Carl Jekyll devised a formula which, when imbibed, greatly increases athletic ability. Testing it out on himself, he was transformed into the indomitable Carlos Hyde, who proceeded to crush Vikings beneath his booted heel like it was Ragnarok. With that, I suffered yet another agonizing loss to Doug in Week 1. For the record, I’m 3-6 against Doug in Week 1. On the bright side, I’m 6-2 against Doug when we meet the second time in the regular season. In other words:


P.S. Minnesota’s horrible offense almost cost me my game against the Bean, but I ended up winning anyways and got to inflict my second favorite kind of win upon that hobbit: high scoring & close. That way he knows he could have gotten a win from almost any other opponent.

P.P.S. I wrote this last Thursday but never got around to uploading it for reasons of Destiny: The Taken King. My team was duly smote for my impiety. As a result, I'm changing which Tom Hardy movie my situation reminds me of now.

"My name is Hunter and my world is fire and death."

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