Mmmm... Roethlis-burgers

So NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has officially suspended Ben "No Means Yes" Roethlisberger for six games, which can be reduced to four if he can show that he'll keep Big Ben safely in the pocket. Now, the dangerous part about this suspension is that "Silence is Consent" Roethlisberger was never actually charged with a crime. The good news is Goodell doesn't really care about "due process" because he can suspend you for character issues. And this is a character issue. Besides the whole consent debacle (I am not opening that can of worms, although the Georgia case was more likely to be assault than the Vegas case), Roethlisberger is committing an even graver crime. He is treading on the Macking Grounds for College Playas. Big Ben is 28 years old, a multi-millionaire, and a Super Bowl winning quarterback. So why is he picking up 20 year olds at clubs? That's the job of the college-aged playa! It disrupts the natural order and is proven, with actual mathematics, to be down right creepy.

That's right, it can be mathematically derived that Big Ben's actions are creepy. I'm now going to combine two of my favorite hobbies: quantifying intangible feelings and stealing things from Wikipedia. Wikipedia teaches us that the standard, non-creepy age disparity in pimpin' is A(H)>(A(P)/2)+7, where A(H) is the Age of the Honey and A(P) is the Age of the Playa. A quick plugging shows us the Roethlisberger numbers:

(28/2) + 7 = 14 + 7 = 21

Clearly, Roethlisberger is breaking the creepiness threshold by hitting on 20 year old honeys. He's also violating the right of Milledgeville playas to mack on fine honeys. I stand in solidarity with my Georgian pimpin' brethren! No NFL Quarterbacks in College Bars (unless they have graduated in the past two years, at which point they are granted tolerance).

WARNING: I start legitimately talking about sports now. If you are a sassy and/or fine honey, please take caution.

Full disclosure, I am a Steelers fan. That said, I still agree with Goodell on this one. I probably wouldn't have included the wishy-washy conditional part of the suspension, but I guess he has to include some way of saying Big Ben has been rehabilitated. The interesting part is that this suspension comes down the day before the draft, which means for the next 24 hours (edit: now it's 5 hours), every NFL fan worth his salt is free to speculate on if the Steelers will trade Roethlisberger. If I had a top ten pick, I would not trade for Big Ben. He gets sacked more often than Rome in the 5th century AD (fact: ladies love classical history jokes) and teams that are bad enough to have a top ten pick are characterized by having a porous line. The only team I could see making a move for Big Ben is Oakland. Why?

1. They have the #8 pick, which means that they would only give up a reasonably awesome prospect.
2. JaMarcus Russell is a black hole of failure, and the entire organization is unable to escape the pull of his fail.
3. Al Davis is genuinely insane, and will want to challenge Roethlisberger to a helmet-less motorcycle race.
4. Most of Roethlisberger's uniform won't need to be changed. Just replace the gold with silver, the Steelers with Raiders, and the hope for a Hall of Fame career with soul-crushing despair.

I could go on, however, I'm technically finishing this post in Public Finance. What? I can have senioritis too!