All Glory to Doug Martin!

The last few times we've been out here, I've threatened to talk about The Walking Dead Game and also politics. But I'm here to renege on those promises and get my fantasy football league caught back up. For you see, I have fallen prey to heresy and have left the pure path of weekly updates. Pursuing the idol of political satire, I have forsaken the bonds of overanalyzing minor trends in sports. And I would be lost, were it not for the light of Doug Martin. For tonight, the Muscle Hamster did tread upon the Vikings defense as the elephant upon the soft earth and rack up over 200 yards of total offense and 2 touchdowns. Such was his magnanimity as to grant me this boon two full days before any other game, allowing the Heretical Pimpmast Doug to stew in the inevitability of the upcoming battle.

He crushes footballs as mere mortals crush grapes: to make alcohol and/or jam.

Before I continue, let me give some context for my adoration of Doug Martin. Astute readers may recall that Doug Martin was one of "the picks I'm proudest of" way back in August. I had believed that this dude could be 2010 Arian Foster (great RB with little history to come out of the midrounds). I made drafting him early a priority. Up until tonight, he's been very solid, but unspectacular. All in all, it had seemed like I drafted him so early as to negate his value. But then tonight happened and he was all "Since reorganizing on the BYE week, I have scored 12, 17, and now 34 points". All aboard the Muscle Hamster express! So since I have about 4 weeks of games to get caught up on, I'm going to forgo the traditional system of nominees in an effort to get contemporary.



Pimps of the Week

Week 4: Roddy White of More Dr Pepper decided to have the game of two wide receivers by grabbing 169 yards and two touchdowns. He proceeded to have two dinners and drank two flagons of wine the night after the game. Now I'm not saying he got twice the ladies of a normal NFL man that week, but it wouldn't surprise me to learn that. Plus, Sam needed every bit of it to subdue everyone's favorite implacable German: the Baron.

Week 5: Marques Colston and Drew Brees of the West Katzen Maus Munchers combined for 61 points this week. Those two players alone were enough to defeat the Vandy Pimpmasters. But the Baron didn't play the Pimpmasters. He played the Bean and delivered a glorious victory. See, it's not just about beating the Bean, it's about sending a message: even if he scores 120 points, your team will destroy him on a Monday Night Game.

Week 6: So you know how at the end of The Matrix, Agent Smith shoots Neo to death? Then Neo comes back to life and Agent Smith is all "What the crud?"? And then he tries to fight Neo but Neo counters him with one hand tied behind his back and then explodes Agent Smith? That's basically what Aaron Rodgers did to the Bean Curse this week. 42 friggin points. An excellent performance of 22 points would have lost Bean the game, but Rodgers was all "I AM A MAN!" and punched the Texans defense into space. He then proceeded to give the greatest post-game interview of all time.

LIKE A BOSS!

Week 7: Drew Brees of the Maus Munchers. There was a bye week in the middle of this streak and he's sort of a no-brainer start, but Brees is on a 3 game streak of having 30 points or more in a game. Not averaging 30 points, but straight up scoring 30 or more. Plus, the Baron sort of completely dismantled me this week by a total of 140-86, and Drew Brees is a large partof the reason why.

Gimps of the Week

Week 4: Doug Martin did only score three points this week, but profaning his sacred name is a crime. Instead,  I declare Steve Johnson to be the Gimp of the Week. How does a number 1 wide receiver only get 20ish yards receiving and no points in a game where 80 points are scored?! And worse yet, his failure led to the Bean winning! I cannot abide a Bean victory.

Week 5: Shonn Greene of Team Gray. In order to win that night, Shonn Greene needed just 7 points, an average performance. But you see, Shonn Greene is actually a terrible running back and average performances for him are like Doug Martin performances for everyone else. Naturally, he came up well short of what he needed, because that is the Shonn Greene way. He knows there can be no true despair without hope, so he feeds you hope to poison your soul. Also, both my week five commentaries feature quotes from Batman villains.

Week 6: The Non-Vincent Jackson parts of the Baron's team. Only combines to score 46 points between the 8 of them. Nothing more to say other than this is the Weimar Republic of fantasy weeks.

Week 7: Team Gray. You were one point shy of being completely lapped this week in scoring... BY THE BEAN! That's like having your score quadrupled by a good team. Plus, this complete collapse of scoring has caused the unthinkable to become real: Bean has a winning record at the midway point. I can only assume that this is to make Bean's inevitable losing record more heartbreaking, but if I'm wrong... God help us all.

Also, it's worth mentioning that half the league is 4-3 and the other half is 3-4. So I'd call that pretty good parity. It's going to be real difficult to send two teams away from the playoffs at this rate. All these games are repeats of week 1, so the theme is REVENGE!

I'd honestly consider doing status reports on each of the teams at the midway point, but people got upset when I critiqued their draft picks. So you know what, let's do that next time!

Actually, next time is Walking Dead then Football this weekend.