Playoffs?! Don't talk about playoffs!

Internet Law dictates this video be included

In a daring attempt at relevancy, I'm going to try and write about the playoff matchups this week before the game. Labor economics and Linear Algebra be damned!

More Dr Pepper vs Team Gray- Psyche! More Dr Pepper has a bye week because when you set the single season record for points scored and wins, you deserve a spot in the second round. This is mostly here because I still can't believe More Dr Pepper (at 9-2) lost to Team Gray (at 2-9). If this were any kind of just system, we'd skip the playoffs and have the media vote on who they would like to see play for a championship and then get a computer's insight on the matter. Wait, there was a typo in that last sentence. I meant to write "completely insane and greed-driven" rather than "just".

All joking aside, I do feel compelled to write a small retrospective on each team's season. More Dr Pepper had a very zen (zen means lazy, right?) approach to the draft. Sam touched nothing and let the players fall where they would. He let the fantasy flow through him rather than fight the fantasy. As a result, at one point, Sam had the #1 scoring fantasy quarterback and 3 of the top 4 fantasy running backs. But that doesn't do him justice. On the free agent pool, he picked up the #2 tight end and the #3 wide receiver. There are two trains of thought as to what could trigger this Juggernaut of a team. One is that Sam is part Miyagi and could get maximum results with minimal effort. The other is that the rest of the league highlighted the good players by taking nothing but terrible ones in the draft. However, over the last three weeks, Sam lost two of his three top running backs (Matt Forte and Fred Jackson) for the rest of the season, effectively. Sure, there's a chance that Forte could return, but it'll be at least two weeks and he still will have the spectacularly incompetent Caleb Hanie in the backfield.

Look at the little kitty!

Team Gray's season was a terrifying black hole of failure. I tried to analyze it, but I became filled with an immeasurable sadness whenever I looked at it. It was as if I saw a box filled with the cutest kittens in the world and then had to see them all violently commit suicide.



Team McLovin vs Belmont Godfearers

Another first round bye that needs a season retrospective written about it. However, I'm rapidly approaching 500 words and I'm barely a quarter done. There's no way I'm writing a 2,000 word playoff piece before the 12:00 games start. So, I'm kicking it into hyperdrive.

Team McLovin is the Saliere of Fantasy Football. I'd be gushing over what an incredible season Dylan has had if it weren't for the fact that Sam had a more incredible season. His was only the fourth team in Iron Dirigible History to average over 100 points a game. It's just unfortunate that Sam shattered the 13 week scoring record in 12 weeks time. Much like Sam though, he actually needs the bye week so he can hope that Adrian Peterson, professional beast, will heal up. When we implemented bye weeks last year, I had no idea that people will actually need them.

Now it's time for a moment of self-awareness. I could spend a very long time beating down on the Bean's team right now. He said he felt like he had a very real shot at winning more than half his games for the first time this year and he wound up with his worst record ever. But I need to recognize that I have other things I need to do today and skip over a detailed analysis of just how his team fell apart and the possible implications for the Bean Curse. Instead, I'll point out his season has been all about the streaks. He starts out on a four game losing streak, then goes on a three game winning streak, then goes on a six game losing streak. Put another way, Bean lost the entire second half of his season. I didn't have the heart to tell him that you can't tank for draft picks.

Vandy Pimpmasters vs West Katzen Maus Munchers- Finally, we're 730 words into the Playoff Update and we're actually going to talk about the playoffs! This is a rematch from Week 13 that started out looking like it would terrible but wound up being fairly close.

The Vandy Pimpmasters have been an archetype for the 8-5 team. They've perpetually been on the brink of greatness, but suffered setback after setback to keep them from being truly dominant. For example, Pimpmaster Doug scored over 105 points three weeks in a row, and then his team completely fell apart the next week and scored just 61. Ray Rice has been the cornerstone of his team and it looked like Darren McFadden would be a great second in command. However, McFadden got hurt (which has been a real theme in running backs this season) and has been in Fantasy Purgatory for the past two months. It's seemed like every week he was just two weeks away from starting.

But Doug's loss has been the Baron's gain. The Baron stumbled out of the gates as his pro-cat, anti-dog policy led him to drafting DeAngelo Williams (33rd in scoring among running backs) instead of Matt Forte (7th among running backs). Jamaal Charles, the can't-miss slam dunk first round pick, tore his ACL in the second week of the season. The Baron's two starting running backs were usually "Jack" and "James Stark" (who is the most disappointing Stark since Rickon, I went there! Game of Thrones humor again! I'm pretty sure no one but Bean will get the joke). But his season pivoted at the midpoint, because the Germans are nothing if not excellent engineers. Injuries to starting running backs Felix Jones and Darren McFadden created opportunities for DeMarco Murray and Michael Bush, who apparently interview terribly. Because their performance can't be the reason both of them were back-ups. Both tore it up in the second half of the season and led the Baron to victories in 3 of his last 5 games, including a long-awaited victory over the Bean to deny him a spot in the playoffs.

Team Tune vs Hunterian Velociraptors- Here's the deal, I'm pretty hungry and the games are about to start. I'm gonna publish this and come back to this paragraph at half time.