Money Madness Preliminary Round

Thomas Jefferson vs JFK

Thomas Jefferson managed to not only write the Declaration of Independence (the document most commonly mistaken for legitimate law) but he also doubled the size of America and got the taste of John Adams out of our mouth.

John F Kennedy managed to vaguely mention some ideas about space and racial equality before being assassinated.

Easy win for TJ, right?

WRONG!

First of all, let's look at TJ's main body of work. The Declaration of Independence is a nice way to stick it to the King of England and a brilliant place to hide a treasure map, but really, you'd think enough marauding militias of anger would get the point across to old George III. As for the Louisiana Purchase, I am of the opinion that it was the biggest rip off in American history. Sure we got acres for pennies, but we forget one minor detail.

Napoleon never told the people who lived there (i.e. Indians) that they were being evicted. Thus began a vicious cycle of Indian wars, reservations and poorly conceived treaties.

Also, Thomas Jefferson founded the University of Virginia, one of the largest producers of smug in the Eastern Time Zone. Having grown up in Charlottesville, I have seen far too many conveniences destroyed because of trying to adhere to Jefferson's "vision" for Charlottesville. Why was Target so great an offense to you, o great TJ? WHY?!

But JFK isn't getting off the hook. I blame him for the single worst secret murder of a brutal dictator ever. I'm talking about the Bay of Pigs. The reason it is the worst secret murder is everyone knew about it! And we didn't even get to kill the brutal communist dictator! Here we are, nearly 50 years later, still waiting for him to die.

But I need to be fair. JFK needs to be held to a different standard. Specifically, he said "Ich Bein Ein Berliner" or literally "I am a jelly donut". We can expect no more from JFK than we could any other breakfast pastry. Would I complain that my pop-tarts did not properly think out the destruction of South American warlords? No! I'd be impressed they got the helicopters south of the equator.

Also, as those who have listened to any of my history lectures know, I believe the best thing you can do for your cause is be assassinated at a young age. People will always remember you better and will sometimes do what you wanted them to do in life. JFK was a master at that. No one cared about landing on the moon until JFK died. Then got our act together and launched a ton of ships into space, as if to appease his ghost.

Both men had sordid affairs but I'm going to give the edge to Jefferson. Sure, Marilyn Monroe is considerably finer a catch than some slave you own, but consider this. TJ waited until after he was president to have his sordid affair. Furthermore, it took us nearly 200 years to catch onto it. Talk about under the radar! Meanwhile, everyone and their dog knew JFK was getting it on with Marilyn (at least that would make the entire cake thing come into context).

However, the coffin nail for JFK is one unforgivable sin. That misbegotten pastry created the Presidential Fitness Test. No doubt he was bitter at people mocking him for his sugary innards, but why punish future generations? I'll tell you why. Because he wanted to earn the spite of the English Muffin Power Hour. I am haunted to this day by memories of the "Sit N' Reach".

WINNER: Thomas Jefferson

P.S. I know there was no fighting in this round. I'm saving the combat for the real tournament. This was just an extra qualifier.