The Hangover: Part Hunter

You may not know it by the crazy fun times to be found on this blog, but I am a teetotaler. That's right, Merriam-Webster's dictionary, I'm someone who advocates the principle or practice of complete abstinence from alcoholic drinks, at least on a personal level. There are a number of reasons for this which I have discussed earlier. Mostly, they focus on avoiding universe-destroying paradoxes. However, back in the far off time of December, 2009, MTSU had won the New Orleans bowl and I felt like celebrating our momentous and glorious victory in the town synonymous with drunken revelry and excessive celebration (and we love you for that reason, New Orleans. Never change! Okay, maybe change the height of some of your levees, but otherwise, keep it up!). So I decided to try a Hand Grenade, a mixed drink consisting of God Knows What, because the bottle looked really cool. Well, it took a lot of will power and two slices of pizza to counter the taste, but I finished nearly a fourth of it before I poured it out and gagged. I still have the bottle today though. Good times...

Have you even stopped to consider
Chipper's career batting average
when compared to other switch hitters of this era?
Hey, where are you going?

While my first concerted  effort at drinking was a complete disaster, it wasn't long until I tried drinking again, because Old John Barleycorn is crafty. By that, I mean it took ridiculously long because I got distracted by baseball. I would not make another serious effort at drinking until early May 2011. I ordered a pint of Guinness at a local pub to have with my fish and chips (believing that if I ate like an Irishman and talked like an Irishman, I could drink like one too). Sadly, all the luck in the Emerald Isle could not help me stomach more than a third of that blarney.

But I wasn't beat yet. A month later, I decided to try a Jack and Coke with my friends Doug and Sam. I figured "I love Coke and two of my favorite TV characters are named Jack". Bonus points if you can tell me which two Jacks I'm thinking of. Also, it was Happy Hour and Doug was buying, so I really had nothing to lose. But, I decided to videotape the event for posterity's sake. I must apologize for the limited picture. In retrospect, I should have had people hold the iPhone sideways.





So Short, So Painful


As you can see, I did not enjoy it very much, but I was told that it was significantly stronger than a normal Jack & Coke and I finished half of it. So I was making progress. However, long ago, Doug told me of a mythical brew: the Irish Car Bomb. Besides being Irish, he told me that when Bailey's and Guinness were mixed and chugged, it created a flavor not unlike a chocolate milkshake rather than a beer. I had been trying to get one ever since that day, but the timing never worked out. Also, I didn't know where to go for one.

Before Doug would agree to that, he needed to see that I could chug a pint of a carbonated beverage. Since beer was strictly out of the question (for obvious reasons) we opted to use Dr Pepper instead. I was eager to plunge in head first, but Doug insisted I wait for the beverage to warm up before beginning to proof of concept. Here's that trial:

Dr Pepper Proof of Concept


Near the end, it was like drinking the Ice Age. So... cold... all the dinosaurs died because of it. But unlike the dinosaurs, I survived and would fight another day without needing John Hammond (or any Scottish billionaire for that matter) to clone me from DNA found from mosquitoes trapped in amber in Costa Rica. If you haven't seen Jurassic Park lately, go do that. I'll wait.

You back? Weren't the velociraptors so cool? And it's so sad about Robert Muldoon. But at least the T-Rex got to be awesome at the end. There's no justice like T-Rex justice. Anyways, time to get back to the story.

Finally, the day of my birthday party came and I was officially ready for the big day, when I would actually finish an alcoholic beverage in one sitting. I could tell you about it, but why do that when I can embed YouTube videos about it?!

The Psyching Up



The Moment of Truth



I look real shifty eyed in this one because I kept making eye contact with my other friends at the table. Also, I was trying to make sure I was doing it right. In any case, it was a total success. Sure, I blacked out after a certain point and I woke up with a terrible headache this morning, but everything turned out all right. The universe wasn't destroyed and I've got a full month of blogging ahead of me. After all, today is July 2nd, right?

What, July 31st? What have I done?!