The Bottom Five Things in Mass Effect 3

Well, it's been a ridiculously long time coming, but I'm finally going to talk about the worst five things in Mass Effect 3, and none of them are going to be the ending (which is terrible in every way a thing can be terrible and has caused irreparable damage to my immortal soul). Officially, I'm saying I was waiting for Pimpmaster Doug and Sam of Dr Pepper to finish Mass Effect 3 so I wouldn't spoil them. Without further ado, let's discuss The Bottom Five Things in Mass Effect 3.

5. The Checkpoint Guards on the Normandy

They're so annoying, no one actually has a screen capture of them.

The most common complaint in Mass Effect 1 was the elevator system. Rather than include loading screens, the development team decided to mask loading times by using very, very slow elevator rides. While this was justifiable (although still loathed) on a giant place like the Citadel, it's not possible when going from one level of your ship to the other. In fact, it was extra painful because this super slow elevator was what stood between the boring squadmates (Liara & Kaidan) and the awesome squadmates (Wrex, Garrus, Ashley, and Tali). So every time you wanted to chill with the cool people, you had to suffer for it. Now, you may wonder why I'm bringing up five year old memories of torment at the hands of a loading system. The answer is that I would gladly bring back all the elevators if it meant never having to listen to those stupid friggin' checkpoint guards ever again.

Once again, these two are the byproducts of a need to hide a loading screen. For whatever reason, Mass Effect 3 can't load the War Room AND the rest of the 2nd floor at the same time. So you need to stop off at a scanner to confirm that the most famous man/woman in the galaxy, whose name is synonymous with the SSV Normandy, is a member of the crew. In an effort to alleviate the boredom of waiting through a lengthy scan, the good folks at BioWare decided to have two lovable guards banter with each other. And by "lovable guards" I mean "stupid nimrods" and by "banter"  I mean "vapidly discuss things you already knew/would never think of because it is so stupid". To BioWare's credit, they tried giving them personalities. It's just their personalities were "Stupid One" and "Pretentious Stupid One". Here are a sample of some things you have to overhear every single time you want to go get some missions or talk to someone or maybe check on your Galaxy at War score.

SO: "Once we beat the Reapers, we should get some payback from all the races that didn't help us."

PSO: "Yeah, that's great. Let's follow up a war with another war."

-In this scene, it appears that SO has forgotten that we're facing an unstoppable armada from beyond the galaxy which has ended all life more times than can be remembered. But hey, don't let that stop you from assuming we'll win easily with enough military capital to overpower any adversary.

SO: "I can't believe the Asari won't help us."

PSO: "If it was Thessia [Asari Homeworld] that was invaded, you can bet we would be holding back around Earth."

-In this scene, PSO forgets that the Alliance's fleets were possibly crippled saving the Destiny Ascension at the end of Mass Effect 1. Also, she seems to be forgetting that these machines are invading everyone they can at this current moment. I guess the Asari and PSO think that the Reapers will kill all advanced life... except themselves.

SO: "We should bomb the Reapers"

PSO: "But the Reapers don't have any planets. If you bomb them, you're bombing yourself."

-There is literally so much wrong with this dialogue, that I will lose my mind if I specify all 17 ways it's wrong. Suffice to say, most planets invaded by the Reapers get pretty chewed up anyways, as is normally the case with world's assaulted by intergalactic genocide. Also, I'm pretty sure there's a level of bombing short of "Planetary Destruction" or "Ecological Collapse". Also, I'm pretty sure we don't have bombs capable of destroying a Reaper. Also, nothing you said or have ever said, made any sense. Also, I'm pretty sure I hate all of you and I just wanted to talk to Wrex. WHY AM I ALWAYS PUNISHED FOR TALKING TO WREX?!


4. The Galaxy at War system

"We are a force greater than any you could imagine. We have destroyed countless civilizations from the dawn of time. Your struggle is in vain, Shepard, for we... wait, you have over 4,000 Military Points! OH SNAP! *explosions*"

When I talked about the things I liked about Mass Effect 3, I mentioned how much I loved Search & Rescue. It was great to finally see a tangible contribution for all your hard work over the course of three games. The problem is the Galaxy at War system ruins it and makes all your hard work irrelevant if you're willing to play multiplayer or buy iOS games.

The Hangover: Part Hunter

You may not know it by the crazy fun times to be found on this blog, but I am a teetotaler. That's right, Merriam-Webster's dictionary, I'm someone who advocates the principle or practice of complete abstinence from alcoholic drinks, at least on a personal level. There are a number of reasons for this which I have discussed earlier. Mostly, they focus on avoiding universe-destroying paradoxes. However, back in the far off time of December, 2009, MTSU had won the New Orleans bowl and I felt like celebrating our momentous and glorious victory in the town synonymous with drunken revelry and excessive celebration (and we love you for that reason, New Orleans. Never change! Okay, maybe change the height of some of your levees, but otherwise, keep it up!). So I decided to try a Hand Grenade, a mixed drink consisting of God Knows What, because the bottle looked really cool. Well, it took a lot of will power and two slices of pizza to counter the taste, but I finished nearly a fourth of it before I poured it out and gagged. I still have the bottle today though. Good times...

Have you even stopped to consider
Chipper's career batting average
when compared to other switch hitters of this era?
Hey, where are you going?

While my first concerted  effort at drinking was a complete disaster, it wasn't long until I tried drinking again, because Old John Barleycorn is crafty. By that, I mean it took ridiculously long because I got distracted by baseball. I would not make another serious effort at drinking until early May 2011. I ordered a pint of Guinness at a local pub to have with my fish and chips (believing that if I ate like an Irishman and talked like an Irishman, I could drink like one too). Sadly, all the luck in the Emerald Isle could not help me stomach more than a third of that blarney.

But I wasn't beat yet. A month later, I decided to try a Jack and Coke with my friends Doug and Sam. I figured "I love Coke and two of my favorite TV characters are named Jack". Bonus points if you can tell me which two Jacks I'm thinking of. Also, it was Happy Hour and Doug was buying, so I really had nothing to lose. But, I decided to videotape the event for posterity's sake. I must apologize for the limited picture. In retrospect, I should have had people hold the iPhone sideways.