Iron Dirigible: Championship Week Edition

You may be wondering why I haven't written about the last two weeks of fantasy football action. Well, when I neglected to write a preview for Tune and mine's matchup, I also neglected to mention that Maurice Jones-Drew is a Fantasy Shark, just lurking beneath the surface and waiting for the moment to devour all your hope. The Hope Devourer scored 37 against me and, even though the Velociraptors scored 122 points (15 more than anyone else), Team Tune scored 137 (did you really need four touchdown, MJD?! FOUR?! THE GAME WAS OVER! You were just running up the score!). So I was more than a little heartbroken.

And then, in a complete absence of upsets, I was denied the opportunity to beat the Bean for the 5th time in one year (which would be nearly three years worth of beatdowns in a single year). But at the same time, I feel like Bean playing in his third career last place game in a five year league is an even greater present.

There were no surprises last week, presumably because the NFL was saving its gifts for Christmas. Oh sure, if you look at the actual games, there were tons of surprises, but we care about the metagame of Fantasy Football. For the first time ever, we have 1 vs 2 for the championship and 7 vs 8 for the last place game. The only upset in the postseason has been the Maus Munchers dethroning the Pimpmasters. This is what Doug gets for being too dignified to slap a cat.

Pimp of the Week

For the first round of the playoffs, it has to be Maurice Hope-Devourer, I mean, Jones-Drew. Not that I'm bitter or anything. The pimp of the  week for the second round of the playoffs had to be the sick combination of Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson. They combined for 66 points and lifted Team McLovin into the playoffs. If they had been merely incredible rather than phenomenal and scored maybe 40 points, then Team McLovin would have lost and the Baron would be talking about renaming his team "The Fourth Reichs". But no, Calvin Johnson got 214 yards receiving, 2 touchdowns, and a motorcycle to drive off into the sunset on. Johnson willed the bike into existence so he could look as badass as possible.

Gimp of the Week

The Gimp of the Week for Round 1 is Jason Witten. Normally, tight ends can't screw up bad enough to be the Gimp of the Week, but Jason Witten took it to the next level. Witten has shown flashes of prolonged greatness this year by scoring 10 or more a half dozen times. He led the Bean to trust in no other tight ends. And then Witten gets a measly 3 receptions for 12 yards to score 1 point for the Godfearers. Everyone else scored 7 or more on the Godfearers and they lost by 5 points. That means if Jason Witten had just been tied as the lowest scoring starter rather than excelling at incompetence, the Bean would be in the winner's bracket. Did I mention he would go on to lose the next game by 1 point? A fantasy touchdown is literally all the difference between dignity and the garbage bin for the Godfearers. In Round 2, it was all of Team Gray, again. For the third time this year. I think he's set some sort of record for "Most Games Scored Below 50". But, seeing as how that dismal performance masked the collapse of the non-Tom Brady, non-Arian Foster, parts of my team and let me go to the 5th place game, I consider it an early Christmas gift and an apology for Maurice Jones-Drew.

I've been negligent in my updates this year. To make it all up to you, I'm going to do a nice year-end retrospective after Christmas. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a non-sucky day of Fantasy Football.

Cinnamon, NO!

This is my favorite online video in a long time. Isn't that right, Meatball? No, Meatball, NO! AAAAAHHH! The house cats have turned on us too!

Playoffs?! Don't talk about playoffs!

Internet Law dictates this video be included

In a daring attempt at relevancy, I'm going to try and write about the playoff matchups this week before the game. Labor economics and Linear Algebra be damned!

More Dr Pepper vs Team Gray- Psyche! More Dr Pepper has a bye week because when you set the single season record for points scored and wins, you deserve a spot in the second round. This is mostly here because I still can't believe More Dr Pepper (at 9-2) lost to Team Gray (at 2-9). If this were any kind of just system, we'd skip the playoffs and have the media vote on who they would like to see play for a championship and then get a computer's insight on the matter. Wait, there was a typo in that last sentence. I meant to write "completely insane and greed-driven" rather than "just".

All joking aside, I do feel compelled to write a small retrospective on each team's season. More Dr Pepper had a very zen (zen means lazy, right?) approach to the draft. Sam touched nothing and let the players fall where they would. He let the fantasy flow through him rather than fight the fantasy. As a result, at one point, Sam had the #1 scoring fantasy quarterback and 3 of the top 4 fantasy running backs. But that doesn't do him justice. On the free agent pool, he picked up the #2 tight end and the #3 wide receiver. There are two trains of thought as to what could trigger this Juggernaut of a team. One is that Sam is part Miyagi and could get maximum results with minimal effort. The other is that the rest of the league highlighted the good players by taking nothing but terrible ones in the draft. However, over the last three weeks, Sam lost two of his three top running backs (Matt Forte and Fred Jackson) for the rest of the season, effectively. Sure, there's a chance that Forte could return, but it'll be at least two weeks and he still will have the spectacularly incompetent Caleb Hanie in the backfield.

Look at the little kitty!

Team Gray's season was a terrifying black hole of failure. I tried to analyze it, but I became filled with an immeasurable sadness whenever I looked at it. It was as if I saw a box filled with the cutest kittens in the world and then had to see them all violently commit suicide.

Iron Dirigible Weeks 3-13 Updates: Screw it, we're doing it live!

Okay, I’ve been really awful about updating the league and the blog in general. Luckily, I’ve derived a simple formula explaining why: Skyrim + Grad School + Occasional Social Life = No Blogging. It’s not my fault, it’s the fault of the Emperor Titus Mede for allowing the Thalmor Elves to persecute the good people of Skyrim, causing Ulfric Stormcloak to rally… FOCUS HUNTER! FOCUS!

"Can we finish this later? I really need to update my blog."

Anyways, normally, I always fall behind on my weekly awards because I believe if something is worth writing about, it is worth writing about in detail. As a result, it becomes too much effort to update and then I fall behind and won’t do the work to get caught up again. So I end up forgetting about doing updates, much like how the Blades forgot the sole weakness of Alduin the World-Eater and, with it, the key to stopping the draconic dominance of… FOCUS! FOCUS! YOU LIKE FOOTBALL! The pimp of the week is listed on top and the gimp of the week is listed second for each week.

I did mean to include a preview for the playoffs, but that’ll come tomorrow morning. Btw, Sam and Dylan do have byes this week, but ESPN has issues with me giving out 200 point bonuses.

The Muppets

First and foremost, go see the Muppets movie. It's a travesty that Twilight 4 is dominating it in the box office. It's well-paced, very funny, and most importantly, completely innocent and optimistic. So much comedy these days relies on shock value or some level of adult humor (like The Hangover) and carries an overwhelming aura of pessimism (because it's easy to be funny and pessimistic). But the Muppets manages to be very funny throughout without resorting to foul language or sexual innuendo. I could go on for a while about how much I loved this movie, but I'll save that for another time. Instead, I will share my three favorite songs from the Muppets. I've actually been humming these in the back of my head ever since I heard them.

Man or Muppet?



I'm not a music critic, so I won't go into detail about why I like these songs. But I think this song does a great job of being an emotional pivot for the movie, allowing for important character questions while still being funny. There are very few things which manage to be simultaneously funny and serious. Although to be fair, most of the comedy is derived from seeing a Muppet version of Jason Segel and from the line "A Muppet of a man". But sometimes, the simplest things are the best.

Life's a Happy Song



This is the opening number and does a great job of setting the tone for the movie while being very catchy. It's very visually stimulating and has a number of fourth wall jokes. For example, Jason Segel breaks the flowers he got his girlfriend because there "was this big dance number I got into on the way over here".

Smells Like Teen Spirit



How can you not laugh at a barbershop quartet cover of "Smells Like Teen Spirit"? Answer: Because you are a robot and do not have algorithms capable of interpreting humor.

Crazy Times Call for Crazy Measures

Hey there, blogaholics. It's Friday, which means you can have some more delicious blogahol. Last week, I alluded to the fact that I had a plan for daily update schedule. I thought I would take some time today and talk to you about it. I wanted to discuss this earlier in the week, but a combination of Labor Economics, Linear Algebra, gray cats, and Gears of War 3 meant that this was the first time I really had clear to blog. Without further ado, let's get to the proposed blogging schedule!

Week of English Muffin Power Hour

Video Game Mondays
Top Five Tuesdays
Fantasy Football Wednesdays
Toss-up Thursdays
Wild Card Friday
Adventure Story Saturdays
Silly Video Sundays


Now that I've revealed the schedule, let's talk in detail about each category. Video Game Mondays was something I was hesitant to add, because I know there are few things more boring to my non-gamer readership than video games. That said, I also have a freaking huge back catalog of content here and gaming is rapidly becoming a part of mainstream life. So I'm not an oddball for liking Halo and talking about how much I enjoy playing Halo with friends. I'm an oddball because I have an almost encyclopedic memory of Halo.

Total tangent here, but I'm actually the #1 Google search result for "Almost too shocked for words" (first out of nearly 86 million results, mind you). You may notice that the rest of the first page results are from the Halopedia. Draw what conclusions you will.

But I digress. The point is talking at length about video games is no challenge for me and, especially considering how crazy my Mondays are this year, this is a good thing. I can update this regularly. The Iron Dirigible updates showed me that I can still maintain a strong readership when I'm not talking strictly about comedy.

Top 5 Tuesdays and Toss Up Thursdays are both great concepts for blogging I had earlier this year. Sadly, I abandoned them because... I kinda forgot about them. But no more! Yes, the reason these updates are on Tuesday and Thursday is because of mnemonic devices. At times, I am a very simple man.

Fantasy Football Wednesdays have already happened 3 times, never on a Wednesday though. I got a lot of quality feedback from non-football junkies about the Iron Dirigible updates, so I'll keep posting that here. I'm sure my league will appreciate having regular updates.

Wild Card Fridays are there because I couldn't come up with another topic. This will be the closest to the old school style of English Muffin Power Hour, because I have almost nothing to do on Friday afternoons (except Tae Kwon Do). So expect this to be like the regular EMPH, but much, much better at kicking.

Adventure Story Saturdays are going to be tales of my adventures in Middle Tennessee. Silly Video Sundays are where I post a video I find funny, because Sundays are for football and/or homework and probably church. Really, the weekends are self-explanatory.

My main concern with this update schedule is quality control. I'm worried that the average length of articles would fall significantly with a daily update schedule. To that end, I'm considering cutting out the Saturday and Sunday articles. It would give me the weekend to work ahead (a stunning concept) and the weekend topics are definitely the weakest of the seven.

So how does that sound, readers? In either case, you're getting substantially more English Muffins than you're used to!