Okay, I’ve been really awful about updating the league and the blog in general. Luckily, I’ve derived a simple formula explaining why: Skyrim + Grad School + Occasional Social Life = No Blogging. It’s not my fault, it’s the fault of the Emperor Titus Mede for allowing the Thalmor Elves to persecute the good people of Skyrim, causing Ulfric Stormcloak to rally… FOCUS HUNTER! FOCUS!
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| "Can we finish this later? I really need to update my blog." |
Anyways, normally, I always fall behind on my weekly awards because I believe if something is worth writing about, it is worth writing about in detail. As a result, it becomes too much effort to update and then I fall behind and won’t do the work to get caught up again. So I end up forgetting about doing updates, much like how the Blades forgot the sole weakness of Alduin the World-Eater and, with it, the key to stopping the draconic dominance of… FOCUS! FOCUS! YOU LIKE FOOTBALL! The pimp of the week is listed on top and the gimp of the week is listed second for each week.
I did mean to include a preview for the playoffs, but that’ll come tomorrow morning. Btw, Sam and Dylan do have byes this week, but ESPN has issues with me giving out 200 point bonuses.
Ryan Mathews, Hunterian Velociraptors- if not for Mathews best game of the season, Bean would have beaten me at fantasy football and then I'd be too filled with shame to ever talk about fantasy football again.
Steve Smith, Team Tune- Remember when he went off for 31 points not two weeks prior? Do you think he could do one-tenth as well this week? Because that's all that Tune needed for a win.
Week 4 Pimp & Gimp
Aaron Rodgers, More Dr Pepper- 47 points in one game?! That’s a good output for a quarterback, running back, and wide receiver all rolled up into one.
Dustin Keller, Hunterian Velociraptors- Really, this should go to Antonio Gates for missing the first third of the season, but that’s not how the game works. 2 catches for 12 yards means that we had our only tie of the season.
Week 5
BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Team Tune - 4 names and 26 points as he pushes Team Tune for a huge victory over More Dr Pepper (incidentally, Sam’s last loss until Week 13). The surprise pimp is always most effective.
Bucs D, Vandy Pimpmasters- I don’t normally give awards to defenses, unless they somehow score -6. The maximum a defense could lose in an absolute worst case scenario is -10 and that would require not only a complete beatdown, but also zero sacks or special teams points. The Bucs were really a display of ineffective defense.
Week 6
Ahmad Bradshaw, Belmont Godfearers- Triple touchdown day! 30 points! Clearly, this is the start of a great run, and not an ankle injury the very next week which will lead to Bradshaw be marginalized for the next five weeks. You’d have to have some sort of voodoo curse designed for hobbits to have that happen.
Peyton Hillis, Team Tune- MADDEN CURSE! Incidentally, Hillis would also suffer an injury here and miss five weeks and become completely marginalized. Yin and Yang running backs this week, very zen.
Week 7
Arian Foster, Hunterian Velociraptors- Foster had a great day for a running back and a great day for a wide receiver on top of that as he piled on 42 points. Take that, emerging Dallas star DeMarco Murray! All is forgiven for Foster’s hamstring shenanigans from earlier in the season.
Everyone, Team Gray- In addition to being the lowest scoring effort in league history, this is the first time in Iron Dirigible’s illustrious history that a team has failed to get a single player to score double digit points. The truly sad part is Brian only left 7 points on his bench.
Week 8
LeSean McCoy, More Dr Pepper- Shady drops 31 points on the Cowboys, proving that only a mustachioed moron would ignore his presence on the field and give him less than 20 carries all but one week for the rest of the year. And that is why there is only one Andy Reid.
Everyone, Team Gray- Look, if I have to explain why a 45 point team performance is terrible immediately after a 42 point team performance, I will not get this done. I still have five more weeks to write!
Week 9
Vincent Jackson, Vandy Pimpmasters- I was tempted to put Aaron Rodger’s 30 points here, but VJax scored 32. Moreover, he scored 32 which allowed for the Pimpmasters to edge out the Belmont Godfearers. In my opinion, scoring three touchdowns to humiliate the Bean in fantasy football makes someone worthy of sainthood.
Knowshon Moreno, Team Gray- Am I piling on at this point? Yes. Yes, I am. But Moreno was taken in the third round and he got two carries for four yards in this game. Seriously, Brian, a third round pick for Moreno? You deserve this!
Week 10
Michael Bush, West Katzen Maus Munchers- Talk about coming out of nowhere! Michael Bush scorched the Chargers for 29 and actually put the Maus Munchers on their first winning streak in two years.
Dwayne Bowe, Team McLovin- Because Brian got tired of all the piling on and focused all of his bad luck into the Kansas City Chiefs. Their only hope may be to disband the organization.
Week 11
Aaron Rodgers, More Dr Pepper- There were no close games this week and it would be a scandal if Rodgers only won one Pimp of the Week award with the type of season he’s had.
Greg Jennings, Hunterian Velociraptors- Remember how Aaron Rodgers put up 25 points? Greg Jennings doesn’t. That’s because he was in a Hangover style state of euphoria and doesn’t remember even being at the game. How else would he finish with a Moreno-esque 2 catches for 6 yards?
Week 12
Drew Brees, West Katzen Maus Munchers- Scoring 36 points against the Bean is ironically humiliating (because of the Bean’s ACT score). Being the pimp of the week is all about this level of meta humor.
Vincent Jackson, Vandy Pimpmasters- Vincent Jackson is just like the Star Wars prequels. He shows occasional glimpses of greatness, but is just so consistently terrible that it makes you want to break something. By the way, this reminds me of a great toss up for later. Toss up: who is the bigger excessively rich moron- Norv Turner or George Lucas?
Week 13
Cam Newton, Team Tune- Oh my god! Is this the present? Am I talking about current events? How is this possible?! I don’t know what to say, I never thought this day would come. I suppose for a guy who I thought doomed the Carolina franchise to toil in obscurity for all time, Cam Newton has had a pretty impressive rookie campaign. It helps that he’s really a running back who occasionally throws the ball, but I can’t diminish the value of 37 fantasy points.
Anyone Not Named Stafford or Gronkowski, Team McLovin- How do you get blown out when your quarterback and tight end score 42 points? By having your 3 running backs, defense, and kicker combine for 19 points.
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