The Bean Curse

Last time we were here, I mentioned that my good friend Bean had a penchant for ruining the livelihood of football players. Every year he has ruined (or at least significantly inconvenienced) the players he has taken in the first and third round of the Iron Dirigible draft. Inexplicably, the second round picks escape unscathed (usually, but I'll talk about that later). Despite having the 1st, 2nd (twice) and 3rd pick in the prior four seasons, Bean has never managed to have a winning record. So how does this happen? Let's examine the history of... THE BEAN CURSE!

2007- LaDainian Tomlinson & Marvin Harrison

Found on Page 7 of Google Image Search "Fantasy King"!

 In the beginning, no one could suspect that Bean would be the Reverse King Midas of fantasy football. LaDainian Tomlinson, also known as LT (because football fans are ridiculously creative), was the king of football back in 2007, both fantasy and real world. In the actual football terms, he had just shattered the NFL record for most rushing touchdowns and gained over 1800 yards during the 2006 football season. In fantasy football, he was king because he had slain the foul beast Grendel and strangled an enormous sea serpent while swimming against some punk in the Baltic Sea. Or maybe that was Beowulf. Bean had the #1 draft pick in 2007 and LT was a no brainer. Bean would also draft LT again with the second pick in 2008. Year after year, LT’s yards went down, his touchdowns went down, his crops turned to ash, and the sun no longer shined on San Diego. The year after he escaped from the clutches of Bean’s fantasy team, the withered husk of LaDainian Tomlinson had career lows in total yards, games played, and yards per carry.

Similarly, Marvin Harrison was in a good spot. He was the number one receiver for Peyton Manning, which meant he didn’t even have to try hard to look good. Sadly, Harrison would wish to be as blighted as LT was for being on Bean’s team. 8 months after being drafted (and underachieving all year long), Harrison was investigated by authorities for his involvement in the shooting of a drug dealer. Unfortunately for Harrison, this was not because he had not become a gun toting vigilante ala Kick Ass (a movie which I have never seen, but understand it involves Nic Cage acting crazier than usual). Now his crime is being investigated by the FBI after they successfully proved that Harrison (now out of football) provided the gun, bullets, and likely the trigger finger for the crime, while Reggie Wayne enjoys all the perks of being Manning’s new BFF.

2008- LaDainian Tomlinson & Terrell Owens

Well, I covered LT in depth last section, but let me add this. Once he had a year to detoxify the Bean Blight coursing through his veins, LT saw a significant increase in rushing & receiving yards despite being over the hill in running back terms. Bean drafted 2^nd overall this draft, a big step down from 1^st (insert sarcastic quip here).

Pictured: Buffalo's Stadium

Terrell Owens, dubbed TO by the original and creative sports media, was actually enjoying something of a career renaissance. Despite being driven out of San Francisco and Philadelphia (for the crimes of being obnoxious, egotistical, and witchcraft), TO formed a bromance with Dallas Quarterback Tony Romo and was reaching numbers close to his career high in yards and touchdowns. Small tangent: Romo was going through a phase where he was really into obnoxious, self centered idiots. TO was his favorite receiver and he was dating Jessica Simpson. Back on topic, after being drafted by Bean, Owens had 300 yards and 5 touchdowns less than the previous season. Dallas, sensing that the football gods had forsaken them, cut ways with Owens. As for Owens, he was forced to wander through football hell (Buffalo, where much better teams stomp you into oblivion again and again) and then into purgatory (Cincinnati, where he saw improved production but never achieved anything of substance) and then into blissful irrelevance.

2009- Michael Turner & Brian Westbrook

From Michael Turner, 2008. "Thanks for picking LT!"

By this point, the Bean Curse had established its almost Biblical powers. In fact, Michael Turner had made a career for himself by stepping up when LT began to feel the effects of the Bean Curse and not only received a big deal with the Atlanta Falcons, but also put up an LT-like 1700 yards with 17 touchdowns to match. So naturally, Bean had to fill the LT-shaped void in his team with yet another 2^nd overall pick. Turner was, shockingly, doing well until he hurt his ankle. An ankle injury may seem minor, especially to a football star, but when Bean is involved, anything is possible (so long as it results in comedic tragedy for football players). Somehow, Turner winds up missing nearly half the season with this ankle problem and barely gains half the yards he did the season before.

However, that was nothing compared to what happened to Brian Westbrook. While Westbrook did not become the subject of a federal investigation or be forced to navigate his way through the football afterlife, he did suffer the most severe and sudden case of Bean Curse ever seen. Westbrook had a truly amazing season two years earlier, but minor nagging injuries kept him from repeating the same feat again in 2008. Bean, sensing weakness like a shark senses blood in the water (with his nose), added Westbrook to his team with his third round pick. Not only did Westbrook’s injury get much, much worse, but he also put up career lows in every meaningful statistic. His numbers were awful by anyone’s standards as he finished the year with 274 rushing yards. For frame of reference, Vince Young had 281 rushing yards for the Titans and he only played 12 games that year. Westbrook went on to be cut and forgotten by Philadelphia, buried in the depth chart in San Francisco, and exiled to an island this year along with TO and Marvin Harrison.

2010- Ray Rice & Miles Austin

In a stunning twist, Bean abandons his long-standing philosophy of drafting at least one aging injury-prone superstar and goes with two young, high potential players in offenses that revolve around them. So the Bean Curse had to get creative with how to ruin their value. Ray Rice experienced a touchdown famine throughout most of the season and had to split his meager scoring opportunities with Willis McGahee. While not as huge a disappointment as LT or Westbrook, Ray Rice finished outside of the top ten last year.

Meanwhile, Miles Austin had replaced TO in Romo’s heart. By this point, the Bean Curse had realized that Bean would take “Romo’s Favorite Target” rather than any specific player. Thus, Romo was struck down with a collar bone injury and Austin’s value suffered under the leadership of Jon Kitna, whose claim to fame was leading the Detroit Lions to the worst record in football history (0-16, a mark which can never be beaten).

Maybe I’ve been too hard on Bean. Maybe he’s finally realized to stop buying the hype and going after injury risks and stars who have lingered past their prime.

2011- Michael Vick & Frank Gore

Or maybe not! Fun fact: In their combined 13 years of NFL service, Vick and Gore have played a full 16 game season only once each. Last year, Old Man Gore broke his hip in Week 11 and missed the rest of the season (and I say this as a two-time former owner of Old Man Gore). At least with Vick, Bean’s getting a player who was formerly under investigation by the FBI rather than currently. This year broke tradition with Bean actually drafting sixth instead of his usual second.

A Desperate Plea from Vick & Gore

Well, that concludes my piece on the Bean Curse. Fun story, I actually had this written out earlier and it came to about 600 words long. I accidentally deleted it during Managerial Economics today and had to rewrite the entire thing. Somehow, it wound up being twice as long.

Fantasy Football Fever Foreva!

Sad but true story, I had this blog almost entirely written on August 13th. Then I got busy with hanging out with Bean and going on misadventures with other cool and attractive people. Anyways, one thing led to another and now it's two weeks later. I'm going to update every day this week to apologize for my horrible, horrible tardiness. Without further adieu, let me get this article underway!

Basically, it's a Led Zeppelin joke.

Well it's (the end of) August and the world is burning in the summer heat, rather than melting outright. That means it's time to get excited about the baseball pennant race! And also fantasy football! This year, I've decided to release my writing for the Iron Dirigible Fantasy Football league on the blog as well as posted on the website/facebook. This may come as a surprise to you, but when I focus on my writing, I tend to be somewhat verbose. I figure I might as well make the English Muffin Power Hour the home for all my spontaneous 1,000 word essays and other musings. But first, I suppose I should give you some background so that you might understand the rich history of Iron Dirigible football.

Stopping a Balrog is easy. A linebacker? Not so much.

Actually, nix that. First, I should explain what fantasy football is. It's not football with more enchanted swords, wizards, and Helms of +3 Invisibility (although that would help Jay Cutler get sacked less frequently). It's essentially a form of super gambling for bragging rights with your friends. Rather than betting on teams to win a game, you "bet" on players to do well in a season. At the start of the year, you draft sixteen players (scattered around the key positions in football) for your team. Every week, you select nine of them (again, based on position) to start each week in a game played against another team in your league. You score points when the player you started does quantifiable good things (such as gaining yards and scoring touchdowns) and lose points when they do quantifiable bad things (like fumble the ball and throw an interception, or fumble the ball, recover it, and then throw an interception). So fantasy football is like super gambling because rather than making the relatively easy bet on who would win a given game, you have to make long term decisions about players as well as make short term bets on who will do well this particular week. For example, Calvin Johnson is a much better wide receiver than Kenny Britt is. But if Matt Stafford is hurt and the Titans are playing the porous defense of the Texans, you'd likely be better off starting Britt. Of course, the fun is that the game is inherently unpredictable. You never know when superstars like Peyton Hillis or Arian Foster will emerge and take the league by storm (for a season, at least). Anyways, back to league history.

The league was started in 2007, because a lot of my hall-mates from First Year were in a league together and they looked like they were having fun. The league has 8 teams and plays a 13 game regular season, followed by a 3 game playoff. Rather than bore you to death with the history of the league, I'll just tell you about each of the owners and some of the running jokes and interesting stories from their many battles.

The Hunterian Velociraptors- You wouldn't be reading this if it weren't for my love of shameless self promotion, now would you? The watch words of the Velociraptors is "Consistency." This isn't a consistency of strategy since I change my draft plan every year. Nor is it a consistency of the roster, since I average about twenty cuts & waiver acquisitions on my team annually (which only has 16 players to begin with). I consistently get 8 wins a year in the regular season. No more, no less. When I average 90 points a game, I got 8 wins. When I had the third highest scoring season in Iron Dirigible history, 8 wins. Also, I consistently draft last or next to last despite setting the draft order to "Randomized".

Team Gray- Team Gray is led by my friend Dorian. The philosophy of Team Gray is to be the most nondescript team in Iron Dirigible, a feat that's been achieved four years running now. He always drafts in the middle and has finished with 6 losses three years in a row now. I'm not saying that there is a very realistic chance that Dorian's team is in league with The Beast and will one day rule mankind for seven years in a fiery post-apocalyptic way, but I am implying it.

Team Tune- This team is run by Mighty Tune, Mathlympic Champion and Bane of AP Physics. His team is famous for pulling a three year hustle where he lulled the league into a false sense of security by finishing near the bottom of the barrel two years in a row, and then cobbled together the best record in the league using nothing but a screwdriver, three paperclips, and the remnants of Steven Jackson's knees.

Team McLovin- Team McLovin is run by Dylan, who is Bill Belichick's will made manifest. Regardless of draft position, Dylan is apt to have all the Patriots talent worth having. This included the preternatural ability to avoid Randy Moss like the plague last year and embrace Wes Welker's severed ACL. Unfortunately, Belichick had forsaken Dylan last year as Dylan had more points scored against himself than any other team.

West Katzen Maus Munchers- This team is run by my cat, Baron Wolfgang der Mausenheimmer, Lord of West Katzen, Bane of Birds, Scourge of Squirrels, and Conqueror of the Blighted Mauslands. Because he lacks opposable thumbs, the Baron must dictate his decisions to my dad, the Warden of West Katzen. Unfortunately, the Baron has been very pro-cat in his decisions, at a time when the Panthers, Bengals, and Lions are in last, last, and dead last respectively.

Vandy Pimpmasters- I'm fairly certain that Doug, the eponymous Pimpmaster, is also a witch. Or at the very least in league with otherworldly spirits. Two years ago, despite finishing with the worst record in the league, he won the championship. Last year, he somehow had the foresight to draft Arian Foster (who wound up being the best RB in fantasy football despite never starting a game before) and added Peyton Hillis to his team off waivers (which is right up there with "The Sorting Hat Also Has a Magic Sword In It" in terms of lucky breaks). Then he still managed to win the championship despite scoring a mere 68 points (think of fantasy scores like you would grades in college; you just can't win with a 68!) in his first playoff game. It helped that I only scored 60.

Belmont Godfearers- Here is the main reason for the significant delay in the publishing of this blog. I don't mean that Bean is indirectly responsible because he offers up so many chances for adventures. For example, last week a wizard visited him and wanted to hire him on as a professional burglar for a band of dwarves. I mean that I couldn't find the words to convey just how terrible Bean is at fantasy football (and not through lack of effort). Bean is cursed. Not only is he the only team to never have a winning season in 4 years, but he ruins the lives (or at the very least, careers) of the players he picks in the 1st & 3rd round of the draft (and occasionally the 2nd round too).

I could go into detail about how cursed he is, so I will.

But not in this update. I’m running too long as it is. In fact, as of this sentence, I’ll have written over 1,300 words about a subject I’m not entirely sure anybody outside of the league cares about.

The Hangover: Part Hunter

You may not know it by the crazy fun times to be found on this blog, but I am a teetotaler. That's right, Merriam-Webster's dictionary, I'm someone who advocates the principle or practice of complete abstinence from alcoholic drinks, at least on a personal level. There are a number of reasons for this which I have discussed earlier. Mostly, they focus on avoiding universe-destroying paradoxes. However, back in the far off time of December, 2009, MTSU had won the New Orleans bowl and I felt like celebrating our momentous and glorious victory in the town synonymous with drunken revelry and excessive celebration (and we love you for that reason, New Orleans. Never change! Okay, maybe change the height of some of your levees, but otherwise, keep it up!). So I decided to try a Hand Grenade, a mixed drink consisting of God Knows What, because the bottle looked really cool. Well, it took a lot of will power and two slices of pizza to counter the taste, but I finished nearly a fourth of it before I poured it out and gagged. I still have the bottle today though. Good times...

Have you even stopped to consider
Chipper's career batting average
when compared to other switch hitters of this era?
Hey, where are you going?

While my first concerted  effort at drinking was a complete disaster, it wasn't long until I tried drinking again, because Old John Barleycorn is crafty. By that, I mean it took ridiculously long because I got distracted by baseball. I would not make another serious effort at drinking until early May 2011. I ordered a pint of Guinness at a local pub to have with my fish and chips (believing that if I ate like an Irishman and talked like an Irishman, I could drink like one too). Sadly, all the luck in the Emerald Isle could not help me stomach more than a third of that blarney.

But I wasn't beat yet. A month later, I decided to try a Jack and Coke with my friends Doug and Sam. I figured "I love Coke and two of my favorite TV characters are named Jack". Bonus points if you can tell me which two Jacks I'm thinking of. Also, it was Happy Hour and Doug was buying, so I really had nothing to lose. But, I decided to videotape the event for posterity's sake. I must apologize for the limited picture. In retrospect, I should have had people hold the iPhone sideways.

Blogathon Countdown #9: Twitter and Cleveland the Mad

Good evening, beloved readers. I hope you all enjoyed your double dose of Power Hour yesterday. I'm happy to report that we'll be going back to the recommended serving size of blogging today. First, I'm proud to announce that I am officially on Twitter. You can follow me here, @Huntersaurus. It's great for the short observations I have from day to day that are too brief for the blog, but too long to mass text to my homies.

In honor of the upcoming NBA Draft, I'm going to list the Top Five Reasons why Cleveland is Insane for Drafting Kyrie Irving #1 Overall (Probably).

5. The Body of Work

First of all, let's consider that this guy has played in less regular season college games than you have fingers (barring some sort of horrific birth defect or industrial accident). Now, in that brief period of time, Duke played two Top Ten teams and six cream puffs, including famous weaklings such as Princeton and Colgate. In fairness, Colgate did lead the NCAA in Cavities Fought, but that contributes little to the result of the game. In that stretch, Irving averaged 17.4 points a game, which is very good but not exactly Future Face of the Franchise (or Triple F) material.

Then he suffered a freak injury and missed most of the year. Sure, it may have been a freak injury, but with less than a dozen collegiate games under his belt, I don't feel confident that he couldn't have a repeat incident. After all, Greg Oden was a can't miss prospect who only had a freak injury during his brief one year stint at Ohio State. And in the three years since turning pro, he's played exactly one year's worth of games. And he averaged less than 24 minutes a game in those appearances, so really it's more like he played half a year's worth of games.

4. Irving vs. Williams Already Happened.

And Williams won. Big time. In almost every way you can win a basketball battle. Points, rebounds, assists (I argue 2 assists from a power forward is more impressive than 3 assists from a point guard), and the game itself. I just can't explain this one. It's a testament to overthinking, hype, and ignoring the obvious that the entirety of the NBA journalism community has overlooked this pretty substantial bit of information. And you can't pin it on Irving's teammates because, without Irving, Duke was still a top 5 basketball program for virtually the entire season.

3. Irving is the next Allen Iverson

And that is not a compliment. Sure, Allen Iverson piled some impressive stats (and an equally impressive criminal record) but what did he really accomplish? He wins one game in the NBA Finals, then the Sixers fade back into obscurity. Sure they had some winning seasons, but they never really contended. Eventually, Iverson's egomania poisoned the team and he was traded away to Denver (whom he promptly poisoned) and then again to Detroit (who he poisoned and then dragged into a black hole from which there is no escape). Then he wasted everyone's time with two consecutive failed comeback bids with the Grizzlies & Sixers (again).

What does this have to do with Irving?

Let's go back to the humiliating defeat Duke suffered at the hands of Arizona. Irving had an impressive 28 points and it looks like he was the solitary bright spot for Duke. But if you actually watched the game, you'd realize that Irving completely destroyed the chemistry that Duke had built up the entire year. Seth Curry, long distance shooter extraordinaire, was relegated to the bench entirely. Nolan Smith, who had led the team in scoring in Irving's considerable absence, was completely out of sync. Also, it's worth mentioning that this point guard only averaged 4.3 assists per game in his brief career and never reached double digits in assists. He practically has the NBA's "Give and Go" tattooed on his forehead (i.e. "Give me the ball and go to Hell"). He might make a bad team good, but he'll never make a team great.

2. There's tons of depth at Point Guard.

I can't believe the experts aren't mentioning this more often. It's simple economics. Scarcity determines value just as much as quality. There are three point guards you can legitimately consider to be centerpieces to whatever team drafts them: Kyrie Irving, Brandon Knight, and Kemba Walker. There's only one power forward that's held on similarly high regards: Derrick Williams. The Cavaliers have the 1st and 4th pick in this year's draft. If they draft Williams #1, there will be at least one of the three great point guards in this draft left for them to take. If they take Irving, they'll have their pick of household names like Jan Vessely, Enes Kanter, and Bismack Biyombo to fill the gaping void in the post.

1. His name should be pronounced "KEER-EE-AY, not CHI-REE".

Jeesh, doesn't anyone care about Ancient Greek anymore? This is your fault, Servilius Casca! You began the marginalization of Greek two thousand years ago. Did you even think that you'd be assassinating the Greek language as well as Julius Caesar?!

Great Scott!

WARNING: The following post contains highly concentrated amounts of franchise crossover nerdiness. Honeys of a sassy fine nature are encouraged to read this poem (that I wrote in between trips to the gym) before watching.

I promised a funny (albeit nerdy) video and I shall deliver. Just tolerate the first 90 seconds of low budget, fan-created fight choreography and you'll get nearly 5 minutes of comedy gold (especially if you love the Legend of Zelda games and the Back to the Future Films like I do).






Link found a Flux Capacitor!

EMPH Turns 100!

Well, just like I promised, I took a brief hiatus for Mother's Day and now it's time to resume the Blogathon! Wait! Father's Day just passed?! Oh crap! Well, I guess the blogathon will resume now after a lengthy intermission. I lost track of the number of days I had left, but we'll just call it 10 so we can have a nice, even number to work with going forward.

For the longest time, I planned on doing something special to commemorate the 100th post on the English Muffin Power Hour. Unfortunately, I never got around to the specifics, so I'll probably give you guys a Top 5 List and throw in a funny (albeit nerdy) video at the end. Since the official start of summer is just around the corner, I present to you: the Top 5 Reasons Why Summer is the Best Season.

5. Baseball Every Day

Unlike basketball and football, you can expect there to be a baseball game on almost every single night somewhere during the summer. While it may dilute the meaning of each individual game, I think people tend to overlook the brilliance of this system. For this three month block of time, you can count on baseball on television just as sure as the sun rising to brutally scorch the morning. Want to go to the movies tonight? No problem. Baseball will welcome you back with open arms tomorrow. Football will ignore your calls for a week or two if you try to have a life outside of it. Then it will spread catty rumors about you, because football can be petty that way (but we love it anyways).

In the name of the Maddux, the Tom, and the Holy Smoltz.

"But Hunter," you say, "don't you have a passion for the Atlanta Braves that could conservatively be described as 'overzealous'? What if I don't like baseball?" First of all, the answer to both questions is "Yes" and "I forgive your blasphemy." And that's the reason why this is only #5 on the count. There are some sad souls out there, my readership included, who don't like baseball. I cannot understand why, but I pity them and the hundreds of hours of fun they miss out on.

4. Swimming Pools

Now, I haven't been to a swimming pool yet this year. This is largely because, due to marathon training, I have a terrific farmer's tan. If I went to the pool, I would look more like a gigantic Yin-Yang in trunks than an awesome dude (albeit a very handsome Yin-Yang). Pools are great for three primary reasons. First, they provide relief from the the sun's ongoing War on Happiness. Second, it is the only socially acceptable time for a grown man to go down a slide. Third, the fine honeys... I mean, working on my tan. Because that's what I do when I'm not working out at the gym. Or saving kittens from fires.

3. Longer Days

Nothing is more depressing than being trapped in perpetual darkness. It's one of the many reasons I left my job as a Morlock (also, they had horrible dental). During winter, it is so very easy to start working before dawn and not get out until after dusk. And then, when spring rolls around, daylight savings time kicks in and you still don't get used to hanging around with the sun after work and class. But in the summer, the sun is around all the time. You can ride your bike at 8 pm without any sort of ridiculous bike attachment.

2. Ice Cream Trucks

Now this one definitely hasn't been a factor for me since I was a little kid. After all, a few months after getting my driver's license, I realized that the grocery store had all the ice cream sandwiches and popsicles I could ever want. And I could get them whenever I wanted. This revelation was followed by maniacal laughter, ice cream headaches, and then stomach aches. But once I could stand up again, I also realized that I no longer needed the ice cream truck or its catchy jingles from the public domain.

So why is it #2 on the list and it front of my beloved Braves? Because no other season delivers its seasonal food to your door. There's no pumpkin pie truck in fall! There's no hot cocoa truck in winter! There's not a ham truck around Easter (although the influential House Cat Lobby is pushing for legislation to make this happen). The ice cream truck is a quintessential aspect of summer and no season can boast a similar bond between man, machine, and the tilt of the Earth's axis.

1. Adventures

The best thing about summer is it marks the return of the adventuring season. Want to hike for God Knows How Long down a trail? Sure, it's summer! Want to see if we can find an alcoholic beverage that doesn't make Hunter throw up? Why not? It's summer! Plus, there's a reliable influx of awesome people from abroad. Now, I admit, this one is here because of school. For as long as I can remember, I have been a student or been close friends with students, so I suppose life away from academia could have adventures all the time (or chronic depression). But for me, summer time has always been about spending time with truly great people (and if you read this blog, that means you). The rest of the year is filled with countless obligations that get in the way of just kicking back and enjoying life.