I Would Walk 500 Miles

My loyal (and, by definition, incredibly patient) readers know that I usually write about big events or other broad topics and that I generally don’t bother with the minutiae of my day to day life. One could argue that that defeats the purpose of a blog to begin with, but I say, “let awesome things be.” However, today I’m going to mix things up and talk about a major undertaking I’ve been working on for the past two and a half months. I have been training to run the Music City Half marathon with a lot of help from the good people of Team ASK (but more on them later).

Now, I’m usually the first to admit to being awesome but I’ve always been distinctly terrible at running. For me, the mile run in gym class always more closely resembled the Bataan Death March than Chariots of Fire. Even throughout college, I’d try to take up a treadmill every so often, but I’d always quit after around 15 minutes or so. The half marathon was about 11.1 miles longer than I had ever run in one go. So why did I agree to run one? First and foremost, I did it to get into better shape. It’s not that I ever looked particularly bad, but I was never happy with my shape either. Earlier in the year, my doctor had recommended I try running a half marathon and I routinely dismissed it as nigh on impossible. So part of my motivation was to spite Past Hunter. But an even bigger factor was that it would never be less difficult to train for and run a half marathon than it would right now. I’d get the bulk of my training done before the brutal heat of the six month Tennessee summer set in so I wouldn’t have to join a gym. And I wasn’t going to be busy with work or school. Unfortunately, I had always subscribed to the Barney Stinson philosophy of running a marathon (“First Step: Start running. There is no second step.”) and it had always let me down. I needed to find someone to train me.

Enter Team ASK. I could not have asked for a better group to train with than Team ASK (Athletes for Special Kids). They are a free marathon (and other long distances) training group based in Murfreesboro. It met my budget, was easy to reach, and would give me someone to be accountable to when running. And that is to say nothing of all the great advice and guidance my coaches, Sharon Perry and Margaret Clark, provided. But that’s a topic for another time. The only condition was that I help raise money for their charity, Special Kids. Fortunately, that’s no burden because Special Kids is a truly remarkable organization. They are a Christian group that focuses on the medical and rehabilitative care of children with special needs. To that end, they put a day care inside the same building as all the physical, occupational, and speech therapy a child needs. It means that children can get the care they need even if their parents can’t spend all day ferrying them from therapist to therapist. Better yet, Special Kids doesn’t turn children away because of money. They provide hope for children who would otherwise get lost in the shuffle of charities for more high profile diseases. So I got free training in exchange for helping children receive medical attention. I’d call that a good deal.



My child partner, Quinton.



Unfortunately, I’ve been so busy with running that I have not dedicated as much time as I should to fundraising. But I am a man of my word so I turn to you, loyal readers, for help. This site lets you donate money to Special Kids and help me reach my fundraising goal. It is tax deductible and now is a great time to get a jump start on next year’s refund. However, I believe that you should be getting as good a deal as I have. Which is why I’m proud to announce the English Muffin Power Hour Charity Extravaganza!

Any donations of any size during the Extravaganza is welcome. For every $10 that gets raised in total, I will update the blog daily. That means if we raise $100, that’s ten consecutive days of hilarious digressions, Top 5 Lists, and all the other features I write but never update. If we reach the fundraising goal, it will be a solid 70 days of consecutive updates.

But wait! It gets better. If you donate $20, I will write about whatever subject you want me to, in addition to getting two consecutive days of blog updates. If you donate $30, I will write you a song. I haven’t posted any of them here, but the people who have heard them have described my lyrics as “legendary.” If you donate $50, I will sing that song and upload the results to YouTube. For those of you who have never heard me sing, you should know that offer is a guarantee of  internet humiliation for me. For just half a Benjamin (or a full Ulysses), you can embarrass me anywhere there is internet access.

So please, give generously, both for the children in need and the abject hilarity/humiliation you can subject me to.

The Top Five Sandwich Shoppes in Murfreesboro. Or, SUCK IT SUBWAY!

So far, today has been crazy productive and I've decided to extend that productivity to the blogosphere via osmosis. I also want to continue my favorite hobby: starting up new features on the blog and then never doing them again! So today's feature will be The Top Five or the Most Common Non-Pornographic Thing on the Internet.

Over the past few weeks, I've noticed a blight spreading across Murfreesboro. And no, it's not the awesome Blight from Dragon Age that involves lots of swords and fireballs and epic quests across the land. This is a scourge of sub-par sub sandwiches. I speak of the rise of Subway. In the past three months, no less than four new Subways have opened. How does this keep happening? I understand that part of the problem is that there is a cultural stigma around eating at home in Murfreesboro and, to avoid the shame, most families eat out all the time. How else can you explain the hundreds of restaurants all over? But even then, you'd think the sheer level of competition would discourage Subway from multiplying like vermin. Whatever the case, here are five sandwich shops that are substantially better than Subway in almost every way (save for numerical advantage and geographic convenience).

The sandwich shoppes are evaluated on the five most important properties of sandwichology, according the the Luncheon Institute of Hunteria. Each category will be ranked on a scale of 1-5, because I have a theme going, with five being the most awesome and 1 being the most anti-awesome:

1. Deliciousness- The sheer quality of the sandwich
2. Speed- How quickly the sandwich is made
3. Price- Or how many hours you have to work for your sandwich
4. Deliciosity- This is the product of deliciousness times price times velocity then divided by pi (for dessert)
5. Coke- The availability of Coca-Cola products or, barring that, a delicious fruit punch.

Incidentally, this also is my list for Best Cheesesteaks in Murfreesboro too. It's probably coincidence.

5. Penn Station

Penn Station has one of the best sandwiches in Murfreesboro. If it didn't, it wouldn't be on this list (unless this whole thing is meant to be ironic). But by that, I mean it is bigger and tastier than almost every other sandwich on the list. The problem is it's also substantially more expensive than every other sandwich on the list and your sub won't be done in a timely fashion. Then the drink situation is a complete disaster. Not only is it not a Coke place, it also lacks even the most basic delicious fruit punch.

Deliciousness: 5
Speed: 2
Price: 2
Deliciosity: 6.36
Coke: 1
Total: 16.36

4. Newk's

Located in the Avenue Shopping Center, Newk's is a cafe that can't decide whether it wants to be formal or casual, so it does both. While its sandwiches aren't as big as Penn Station, they have much more variety due to their delicious soups and salads. Like a strong offensive line in football is to a quarterback, a strong soup can make a good sandwich great and a great sandwich legendary. As an added perk, the half sandwich & coup of soup combo is cheaper than a regular sized sandwich at Penn Station. The drinks, however, are a mixed hat. While it is a Coke place with Dr Pepper (which is full credit), it suffers when it comes to sizing. You have two choices for a cup: ridiculously tiny water cup (~6 oz) or more soda than any human should drink in one sitting (~32 oz). On the bright side, service is surprisingly quick.

Deliciousness: 4
Speed: 3
Price: 4
Deliciosity: 15.28
Coke: 4
Total: 30.28

For the Fine Honeys

You know, any guy can be romantic one day of the year. But it takes a true gentleman to be romantic 43 days later with no explanation why. As a result, I now present the gift of poetry to all of my sassy fine readership:

I wrote you a poem
O honey that's sassy fine
In hopes that my rhyming
Would help you be mine

Your hair is so shiny
And usually short or long
And I'd like to remind you
That your ex-boyfriend did you wrong

I once was asked
If you were more fine or more sassy
I said I couldn't
Because you are so classy

I'd rather talk to you
Than to spend hours on video games
Because compared to your adventures
Shooting aliens is lame

I could go on for hours
Describing your awesomeness so
But now I realize this poem
Would have been better six weeks ago

P.S. If you were wondering who I was thinking of when writing this (and are also a honey), then the answer is "you, specifically".

The Greatest Day of the Year

Why is today the greatest day of the year? Because it's the longest possible time before February comes back, in all its malarial terror. Now, you're probably wondering why I haven't blogged in nearly a month. In large part, it's because I picked the Super Bowl wrong AGAIN (I may have only made predictions the last two years, but still, a streak is a streak). The worst part was the way the Steelers self-destructed. They shot themselves in the foot, stumbled all the way back to one possession within victory, then shot themselves in the other foot. At that point, I realized the I had angered mighty Februus and promptly went into hiding in my February-proofed bunker. How do you February-proof a bunker?

1. Tear off the month of February from any calendars. So very few people realize that calendars are the number one way that February is transmitted. It turns out that if you call it "Smarch" then it loses a great deal of its other-worldly power.

Super Sunday Prediction: Speedy Edition

First and foremost, let me just say that the one good thing about February is that several of my friends were born during that month. So I apologize if I implied that your birthday (or you being born) was terrible just because of it happening during the worst month of the year. Next, I'll finish my rant on February this week, but for now let's talk about the Big Game. Rather than go into my usual overly-verbose style, I'm just going to list off ten facts, observations, and other musings I've had lately.

1. I think that the least talked about aspect of Green Bay vs Pittsburgh is a triumph of the NFL's brilliant revenue sharing approach. No other major sport could field championship caliber teams from markets as small as Pittsburgh and Milwaukee, much less have them be considered traditional powerhouses. 
2. When owners and players see such a successful model, they have to destroy it as quickly as possible. In my lifetime, no major sport has survived an extended strike/lockout without immediate dire repercussions to its popularity. In 1994, baseball canceled the World Series because of a grievance between millionaire players and billionaire owners. While the sport eventually recovered (although no longer the most popular sport), it took the Steroid Era to do so (which many baseball fans believe to be a deal with the Devil). The NHL's strike effectively removed it from the pantheon of major sports.
3. The Steelers can outplay any team in the NFL. Unfortunately, they can only do that for about one half a week.

It's called a "Power Hour" for a reason

So, a week after I declared the Titans to be worse off than the rock-bottom Broncos, the Titans and Jeff Fisher agree to part ways. Clearly, once Bud Adams realized he had lost the support of the EMPH and its vital Azerbaijani fan base, he had to sack Fisher as a means of appeasement. Personally, I am surprised that Bud Adams is going to be rid of both Vince Young and Fisher. I had been told that, at 88 years young, Bud Adams had adopted the pharaonic management technique. Like the kings of Ancient Egypt, Bud Adams was going to be entombed with his worldly possessions and his servants, so that he may carry both with him to the afterlife. Adams has succeeded in dragging the Titans to the grave (all that's left is to construct a pyramid over LP Field, which can't be too far off), but I'm surprised that he isn't going to entomb Fisher & Young with himself. By the way, the first sign that LP Field will be converted into a giant pyramid will be talk of adding a retractable roof. So keep an eye out for that.

Now, some people may be concerned that my blog wields power enough to ride the most tenured (and serially mediocre) coach in the NFL and that I would be driven mad with power. Well, first let me state that I went mad a long time ago. Although that statement seems to imply there was a period in my life when I was not crazy. In fact, let me state emphatically that anyone who claims I was normal at some point is a slanderous cretin out to disparage my name. But I digress. The important thing is that the amount of madness will remain unchanged.

Despite my blog's new found career-destroying powers, I am not content. There's an even greater threat than Pharaoh Adamsotep and I am powerless to stop it. I speak of the worst month of the year, the annual blight on our calendars that no one can stop: February.