Iron Dirigible Week 3 Recap- I shouldn't be alive

Here we are, mere moments away from starting Week 4, and I still haven't posted the update for Week 3. Normally, I'd say something funny about a video game, tv show, or movie I'd experienced recently and use that as justification for the delay. But that's not true. Last week's games have sent me into an existential crisis. You see, I defeated my best friend/archnemesis the Bean in Fantasy Football for the 15th time in 17 total games and I did so in a way that humiliates and degrades him. You'd think I'd be overjoyed. But I'm not because of one simple word: The Fail Mary aka The Touchception.

(Bitter)SWEET VICTORY!

Can I declare victory over the Bean if it is based on a clearly fraudulent call? Strictly speaking, yes, yes I can and I already have and I'm going to gloat about it. Neener neener neener! You couldn't score 15 points with Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay defense combined. Neener neener neener! Also, it helps that Bean declared victory halfway through the third quarter and then literally everything went my way. I'm not even kidding. I'm in two leagues, you see, the Iron Dirigible and the Beanpocalypse Now. In Beanpocalypse Now, I was playing against Bean the Elder and he was starting the Seattle defense. I'll spare you the details, but I beat Bean the Elder by one point and Bean the Younger by two points. If Rodgers gets sacked once and Martin gets called for the interception he threw at the end of the game, I lose both games. But thanks to a terrible labor dispute, I won.

I feel like I've been war profiteering.

So Pimps & Gimps of the Week, right?

Pimps of the Week

The divide between Pimpin teams and Gimpin teams was particularly vast this week. You had two teams score over 120 and two teams score under 70. I'd like to welcome Larry Fitzgerald to our readership because he saw how I called him out last time and decided to make himself indispensable again for Team Gray. Side note: Dorian, you can't change the name of your team in the middle of the season after going my one team name for five years; I will not acknowledge this change, much as I won't acknowledge Matt Ryan's 21 points. Calvin "Megatron" Johnson also gets a shoutout for scoring more points against the Titans than he had in the year to date, yet still somehow losing to the Titans. So he helped to build the Middle Tennessee community AND pay dividends to the Pimpmaster.

But the true pimp this week is Jamaal "Juggernaut" Charles. The greatest tragedy of this season is not the replacement refs, but that I could not draft Jamaal Charles in either league. I came so close to drafting him, but Tune channeled his inner-Doug and took him the pick right before mine. See, normally when I talk about guys who show up Stay Puft Marshmallow man big, they normally have a few touchdowns to their name and a pretty great total of yards (like Reggie Bush's 140 something). But Jamaal Charles thought differently. He looked at the Saints defense and said "Don't you know who I am? You must not know who I am. I'M JAMAAL CHARLES, B***********H". And he scored 36 points.

But it's the way he did it. He only had one total touchdown and 55 yards receiving. The other 25 points he scored? Pure yardage. "Silly Saints, your tackles cannot harm me. I'M JAMAAL CHARLES, B***********H!!"

Gimps of the Week

To the surprise of none, this update took much longer to write than expected. So I'm going to fast track the Gimp of the Week section. Remember last year, when Vick was supposed to be opening a new chapter on his career and usher in a new era of quarterbacking? Yeah, it turns out 2010 was a fluke.  Vick completed less than half his passes for less than 225 yards and no touchdowns. He "added" -3 points with his feet with 15 yards and two lost fumbles. Demaryius Thomas, your game line is bad and you should feel bad.

But the real victim is Aaron Rodgers. He had such a promising career, then Bean drafted him. Now he's put up back to back stinkers. And it's more than just Bean stealing his talent, it's created bizarre situations that wouldn't happen if Bean didn't own Rodgers. For example, the Packers were close to the goal line and decided to run it in with Benson. Last year, the Packers only had 8 non-Rodgers rushing TDs versus 55 touchdowns Rodgers was someway involved in. But the Packers decided to eschew what worked in the past because they knew that Bean has ruined Rodgers forever.

Matchup of the Week: Tune vs the Velociraptors for two reasons. First reason is "Tune versus the Velociraptors" should be the name of a children's book. Second, this will answer the age old question of whether it is better to be lucky or good. Tune is second in scoring with over 300 points in 3 games whereas I have 263. But I have the better record because I've only had 247 points against me instead of the 293 scored against Tune