Week 3 Update: Suck it, Sam!

I said "Easy Rider"! Though both have Peter Fonda.

This week has been brutal. There's that... baseball incident involving Atlanta teams and my copy of Gears 3 is getting delayed until Monday, probably. Throw in an afternoon of Tae Kwon Do (it turns out I am great at punching and jumping, but I suck at kicking, although my youth soccer coach will insist this was always the case), a haircut, and a load of chicken wings later, and I want to kick back and watch Easy Rider. After all, Iron Dirigible doesn't kick off until Sunday. But I'm not going to let that happen. Why? Spite.

The English Muffin Power Hour has never had double digit updates in the span of a single month. There are many reasons for this, such as me being easily distracted and the average EMPH update requiring me to spend my down time not playing Gears of War, not macking on the fine honeys, not tricking the Bean and not performing any combination of the three. One day, I will trick the Bean into letting me play Gears of War with a fine honey. I will have met my soul mate then. But I digress. The point is there are seasons where I don't update ten times, much less months. So I made a wager with Sam that I could update the EMPH ten times this month. If I didn't, then Sam would continue to mock my infrequent update schedule. If I did update ten times, then I'd win... um... I'd win... comedy? Let's just say I'd win comedy. I probably should have demanded some sort of stakes to this wager. I think I've been tricked.

In any case, if I don't write this update, then Sam gets an optimal outcome: more than the average dose of Hunterian Humor and bragging rights. But I'm not going to let that happen. You may beat me by 40 points in fantasy football, Sam, but you'll never take my freedom! My freedom to blog at whatever pace I feel like! CHAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGEEEE!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

This is triumphant screaming.

I suppose I could call this an update, and be content. But I'm never one to leave words unwritten. So let's dive right into the Pimps and Gimps of Week 3, as well as your Match-up of the Week.

Pimp of the Week

Wes Welker. Apparently, someone told Wes Welker that he didn't win the Pimp of the Week award in Week 1 despite a 99 yard touchdown catch, on account of being on the bench and therefore contributing nothing to Dylan's win. Then he found out that Miles "John Henry" Austin won Pimp of the Week for 3 touchdowns. Wes Welker decided that he could do better than Miles Austin could without crippling himself and with only two touchdowns.

Wes Welker has no third touchdown. Wes Welker needs no third touchdown.

Honorable Mentions: The rest of Dylan's team. Even without Welker's insane 34 point, 217 yard, two touchdown beatdown of the known universe, Dylan's team scored 106 points. That would have been good enough to finish third amongst scoring with a full lineup.

Darren McFadden wins the Salieri Bad Timing Award this week (which will never be a real thing). If not for Wes Welker going Boromir Berserk, I'd be raving about the clutchness of McFadden's game. In addition to humiliating the pompous New York Jets defense, Mcfadden's 31 points elevated Doug in a big game against Sam (who, as the title of this update reminds us, can SUCK IT!). Doug won the game 126-108, so even a game by McFadden which was merely "very good" would not have sufficed.

Also, it's worth pointing out that in a high scoring competitive game, the biggest difference maker was the kicker, wildly considered to be the most useless of all fantasy positions. But Jason Hanson (of "Mmmmm Bop" fame) put up an impressive 17 points while Josh "Charlie" Brown only scored 1 point. Although to be fair, he tried to kick the football but his teammate kept picking up the ball at the last second.

Footage from the St. Louis game. I'm amazed modern cameras can capture speech bubbles.

Gimps of the Week

Everyone but Owen Daniels on Team Gray. I'm not going to make any jokes here. Because Dylan's team scored 140 points versus Team Gray's 64. It ceased to be a fantasy football game and became a fantasy murder. Was it really necessary, Dylan, to rip off both of Dorian's fantasy arms and beat him to fantasy death with them? It seemed excessive. Dorian, I want you to know that you are not alone and that you don't deserve what happened to you. But other than that, no one on Team Gray besides Owen Daniels and the Bears Defense reached double digit points. And even Daniels and Da Bears just barely (or should I say "Bear-ly"? I shouldn't.) cleared the ten point hurdle, with scores of 13 and 10 respectively. It was just ugly.

Dishonorable Mention: First dishonorable mention goes to Steve Smith of Team Tune. The former fantasy stud and current tragic hero of the Carolina Panthers had an incredible start to the season, racking up over 150 yards receiving in both of his first two games with Cam "Sir Isaac" Newton. Unfortunately, Steve Smith offended Poseidon (long story short, Steve Smith burned a lot of acropolises in his younger days), who sent a monsoon to drown the Panthers and Jaguars. While no one died, Smith did finish with only 15 yards, a mere tenth of what he had done before.

Rashard Mendenhall deserves special dishonor because he made the Colts run defense look good, by only gaining 37 yards on 18 carries. Fun fact: A Google search of "Colts Run Defense" + "Good" yields nothing but mocking laughter.

Wait... wasn't I in this blog earlier?

Lastly, James "Eddard" Starks had 11 carries for 5 yards and managed to fumble the football. This has to be one of the most inept individual performances I have ever seen from a fantasy starter. But there are two reasons why Starks didn't win the Gimp of the Week. 1. The Baron won his game despite Starks. 2. It turns out that Eddard was called to be the Hand of the King by his close friend, Robert Baratheon, and had to make plans to leave Winterfell at once. I, for one, wish Eddard good luck in advising King Robert and figuring out who murdered Jon Arryn.