Last week, many of you took part in a seemingly innocent holiday. I speak of Saint Valentine's Day. Sure, none of us remember exactly what Saint Valentine did, but we're all confident it had something to do with convincing the ones we love to overlook our numerous flaws by giving them a variety of chocolates and/or cards.
Now before I go on, some of my more astute readers may have noticed I'm missing an update for Monday. I'll get to that later, so be patient.
I was content to accept the myth of Saint Valentine's Day until last week. Because I am as romantic as an explanation of how GDP works, I sent text messages out to some fly honeys (my understanding of slang derives circa Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) wishing them to enjoy said holiday. Like most freedom loving Americans, I used the T9 word, as it is always correct. If it gets your word wrong, it's because you were thinking wrong. Which is why I knew something was up.
The T9 word for Valentines is "Takeover". Mere coincidence? Or sign left to guide observant minds to a higher truth?
So I began to search for clues. So I went to the font of all knowledge- anagrams. The results were disturbing. It took me a while to piece them together. Last Thursday, you saw me compile this brief list of evidence:
A Satanist Need Vinyl
Yetis Invent A Sandal
Satan, Evidently A Sin
A Savant Deity's Linen
A Vandal's Tennis Yeti
Tiny Seal-Ants Invade
Aslan Invades Tin Yet
I Invade Ten Analysts
Satan Invades Ye Lint
I also mentioned something about exhaustion. It turned out they had drugged my Sun Drop. When I came to, I was tethered face first to a tether ball post (oh the irony!). It was most unpleasant. I heard yelling in German.
Now, Call of Duty 2 taught me that being yelled at in German is quite terrifying. The words sound very angry and, as far as I know, they were merely asking me for directions or possibly a Fig Newton. So I began to look for a way to escape. It was then I noticed I was only tethered by a tether ball (which explained the pole).
Clearly, I was dealing with lazy Germans. That's when it hit me. They weren't German at all. They were Austrians!
Careful not to be seen by the quasi-German scum, I used all my subtlety and grace to sneak out of my prison. I am proud to say that there were only three grenades thrown in that escape, and under 400 bullets fired. Not to mention there was virtually no sword fighting. It was a real triumph for the entire Department of Espionage in the Hunteria.
That's when I saw him: A man in long red robes with pentagrams on it and a hat which read "Yay Satan". What was particularly odd was he was frantically searching old record sleeves for something but to no avail. That's when it hit me "A Satanist Need Vinyl". The first of the anagrams had been fulfilled. I felt sympathy for a man who couldn't find things, so I decided to only to wound him.
In the next room, I saw the furry kings of the mountaintop. I saw Yetis! But these Yetis all wore lab coats and were huddled around a chalkboard. Soon, they all stroked their chins pensively and came to a consensus about their latest theory, the theory of how a yeti could have shoes for warmer climates which could easily be put on and taken off. The Yetis had invented a sandal. THE SECOND ANAGRAM HAD BEEN FULFILLED! The Yetis were kind enough to explain to me that the third and fourth anagrams were obviously red herrings and they introduced me to their friend, Yorven. Yorven was an all-pro tennis yeti for a 5th century AD tribe of Germanic barbarians in North Africa.
I had a hunch which 5th century AD tribe of Germanic barbarians in North Africa it was. I was looking upon none other than the fifth anagram! I beheld A Vandal's Tennis Yeti!
I was nearing the exit when I saw what the dungeon was constructed for. It was a research facility to try and stow a biological weapon in chocolates. Their weapon of choice was the Tiny Seal-Ant. You're probably wondering how a miniature cross between two non-lethal animals could possibly threaten your health and well being. The answer is simple, cruel biology. Seals are trained from birth to either perform silly water tricks or to fight in the US NAVY. Ants are trained from birth to destroy all things sugary. So it seems as though they wanted to fill your chocolates not with delicious caramel, but rather Tiny Seal-Ants, who would invade you blood stream upon ingestion and devour your now sugar coated heart. A grim fate indeed, ironically foreshadowed by the heart-shaped boxes of candy (they were big on irony in this place).
It appears that this Satanic-Austrian-Yeti club had been working the media for years to create the illusion of necessity for Valentine's Day. Every image was meticulously constructed to unleash this great terror upon the land.
There was some more stuff, but the mastermind of this entire attack reminded me I was rapidly approaching a thousand words and I probably lost most of my readers with the whole "Barbarian tribe in North Africa" bit.
The mastermind was none other than Vinny Testaverde, oldest NFL QB to win a game. That's when I realized the one anagram all the other anagram were leading to.
Vinny Attained Sales
It all became clear. Vinny Testaverde had been masterminding this entire event. But who left me that message.
Vinny told me now that I had seen the Tennis Yeti, I could not be allowed to leave there alive. Vinny began to close in on me, when some one grabbed me from behind.
"I pity da fool who gets cornered by Vinny Testaverde!"
TO BE CONTINUED
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